My name is Royters, and I’m an idiot.

So, this new guy showed up at my blog and apparently decided to defend Michelle Malkin after she accused people of being lazy and not going out and getting jobs in an economic climate that is more or less a disaster.

Well, I went over to his blog to check it out and saw some crap about how Michelle Malkin is a super genius God or something as she knows all facts.  Well, aside from that not being true, it’s, well, not true.

Or is it?

At first, I thought that Michelle Malkin was about as dumb as can be for defending state sponsored racism in World War II; she defended internment.  Hey, aren’t conservatives supposed to believe in due process and fairness and not interning people without taking them before a court of law?  You know, the Constitution?  Turns out the answer is no, they don’t.  Also, after reading the book, which apparently was not peer reviewed, I learned that internment camps were justified.  Also, they were full of sunshine, rainbows, and gumdrop rain.  There were lakes full of Coca-Cola that people could drink or swim in!  People were given candy cane sleighs to snow down hills in the winter and ate graham cracker houses morning, noon, and night; each house came with dipping cream, too!   Not only that, but people got to go to bed at night surrounded by puppies and kittens who curled about you to keep you warm, warm, snuggles, uggles, oogles, warm!  (psst, I didn’t actually read the book, but then again, Ms. Malkin probably didn’t, either)

Ms. Malkin brought the truth to light!  And I had been uninformed this whole time!  Not only that, but I had been lied to in law school.  I thought the internment program was a blatant violation of constitutionally protected rights to due process, a hearing, freedom from racial discrimination, etc.  How silly could I be?  Those rights only apply to white Anglo-Saxons and priviliged wealthy minorities like Michelle Malkin!  I didn’t know about that part of the Constitution, but Michelle and her blogger friend confirmed that it existed (but only in a copy of the Constitution they refused to show me for national security reasons — fair is fair).

This truthiness of Ms. Malkin makes it completely unnecessary to focus on the fact that she makes shit up about unemployment benefits and accusing the unemployed victims of capitalistic excess of being lazy and not wanting to work.

Once again, I’m Rotyers, and I’m an idiot.

a movie review by Dr. Robert J. Murk

So, I went to the movies last Saturday. I paid nine bucks to go watch a sequel to a movie based on a cartoon from the 1980s. Why? It had plenty of ‘done blowed up good’ in it. Plus, the movie theater is air conditioned.

Usually. This movie was so gay they sent it to the four theater annex across the hallway from the real cinema. Nothing is quite as unnerving as being told your movie is ‘across the hall.’ What the fuck does that mean? I’ll tell you.

Across the hall is where movies go to die. The concession stand is always closed. No one check your tickets. The air conditioner is NOT on. The previews are for movies that are already playing at the main complex (a subtle hint that you may want to reconsider what you’ve decided to see). There are more flies than people. And the real sign something was amiss… there was no trash on the floor at all.

So, there I sat in ghost twon with Mrs. Dr. Murk, a huge Transformers fan. And this movie had Transformers in it. Lots of them. The problem was telling them apart. Sure, the Autobots are all different colors and sizes and that makes it great for telling them apart. But the Decepticons were all silver monstrosities with the same face. I though megatron died like sixteen times.

So, not to ruin the plot (um, okay there wasn’t a real plot but a Transformers plot) but the main villain shows up with no real back story, no basis in the Transformers universe and talks like the Emperor from Star Wars (even calling Megatron his ‘young apprentice’). He’s so far beyond the worst villain ever that I laugh at the idea. HA!

The girl in the movie is noted for being very hot. Okay. But they kept showing slow motion and close ups of her that looked like out takes from a Warrant video. By the end of the movie, I wanted the Decepticons to kill her.

Besides the explosions and some minor special effects and CG improvements, this movie wasn’t shit. You can skip it, fall asleep on the couch, dream you went to go see the movie and not miss anything.

Should I have expected less? No. This review is already adjusted for my low expectations for this movie. All I wanted was wall to wall explosions and cars that turned into robots and fought each other. Instead, there was an additional half hour of trash interspersed. Fatal, failed attempts at humor, stereotypical mock negro breakdancing robots with ghetto jive talk, a love story that was written by a horny sixth grader, political commentary and an obligatory mention of President Obama, the Iraq war, alins built the pyramids conspiracy… my GOD…

Not recommended, eight thumbs down. I went out and borrowed extra thumbs. It sucked. IT SUCKED!!! FUCK IT! HARD!!!

Less than meets the eye.

Michelle Malkin is a conservative.  This doesn’t mean that she’s an idiot, although she often is seen sporting this stylish hat.

No, conservatives are often intelligent folks despite their generally poor breeding and bad hygiene habits.  However, Ms. Malkin is a commentator in addition to being a conservative.  This means that she is more than an idiot, she is, in fact, lacking the ability to think in any way, shape, or form (much like Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, and her liberal counterparts, Keith Olbermann, Arianna Huffington, and Bleedin’ Heart McGee).

Like most commentators, Ms. Malkin does not care about facts.  Learning the truth of matters is not big on her to-do list, either.  Rather, Ms. Malkin, in between crapping out lies and eating them for breakfast while showering in her own urine and using her feces to shampoo and condition her hair, simply makes up anything that she feels like at any time to support her laughable position.   Then she kills kittens.

As I was saying, Ms. Malkin is a genius.  Here is a shot of her being a genius at her home.

She said on ABC’s This Week that extending unemployment benefits is bad.  This, according to Ms. Feces Shampoo and Urine Shower (who, by the way, also has never cleaned her snatch, leaving it to fester like rotten meat (it actually is full of purulent material!)), will cause people to stay on the dole until their benefits are about to run out before finding work again.

Yes, Ms. Malkin, you are correct.  People will magically find jobs just before their benefits run out in a time in which unemployment is at 9.5 percent, large corporations have been bailed out repeatedly by the federal government, and even gas mega-giant Chevron has seen its profits fail to meet expectations and drop substantially from the prior year.

Kudos, Ms. Rotten Crotch, you are so well informed that I am jealous, and I am the smartest person in the world (next to you, of course).  I wish I could have the mental ability necessary to ignore the painfully obvious truth.  But, unlike most people who reek of urine and feces (did I tell you that she eats garbage and wears clothes stolen from homeless people?),

I take the time to learn the truth about matters before I speak.  That, or I simply say, I’m not informed enough about the issue to speak.

But, since you are an Asian female (she may be an Ann Coulter type, sporting the gun and the holster, I haven’t seen her without her clothes on),

you can benefit from the racial stereotype that you are intelligent because you are of Asian ancestry (is your family from the Filipino island named “Stupid Fuck Face?”).  Let’s hope the cold, brutal truth doesn’t.

Michael Vick, fresh off a twenty-three month prison sentence, was conditionally reinstated to the NFL today.  Commissioner Roger Goodell reinstated Vick despite the fact that Vick is a convicted felon, was involved in the murder and torture of multiple dogs, bankrolled the same, and was less than forthcoming about his involvement when sentenced.  In explaining his decision, Goodell said, “Hey, man, all felons get to resume life where they left off.  Name me one felon who ever had start life at a lower spot on the totem pole than before they were convicted.  That never happens, ever.”

Vick held a press conference announcing his pleasure with the decision.  When asked if he planned to celebrate, Vick stated that he would by adopting all the dogs in a 100 mile radius of his hometown.  When asked why, he said that he would be holding a giant dog fight at Lane Stadium in Blacksburg, Virginia where Vick played college football for Virginia Tech.  He added that it would be for participants in the Make-A-Wish foundation only.

In explaining his decision to hold a dog fight, Vick said, “I think that this is a great way to conclude this grossly unjust chapter in American history.  No one has been more victimized by this than me.  Well, maybe all those dogs I drowned with my bare hands after making them fight to the death — it’s really a toss up if you ask me.  Hell, they died after it was over.  I had to spend time in prison and pick up my life where I left off as opposed to earning my way back through the UFL.  Also, I’m a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity.  Dogs are little more than ways for me and friends to make money gambling, which is probably a crime in and of itself.  But what do I know, I’m not a lawyer.  I’m also not much of a human being.  Good thing Goodell didn’t pick up on that.”

In a related story, Tony Dungy was considered a class act for agreeing to mentor Vick during his release from prison.  This almost makes up for the fact that he’s an anti-gay bigot who cares more about people who murder defenseless animals than law-abiding citizens who want to marry the ones they love.  Nice job, sports media, for buying the lie that Dungy is anything other than a total piece of shit.

Dr. Robert J. Murk awesome film critic.

While I haven’t seen Ron Howard’s latest installment of the Dan Brown saga, I can tell you it is by far the worst movie ever. After not watching it due to it’s suckitude. I can safely say I hated ever fucked up minute of it.

First off, Ron Howard is the lowest brand of genius you can buy. If he were a vodka, he’d be Zarkoff or Russian Headski Fliddermaus. Like ten dollar a gallon cheap ass vodka that’s made of the run off from a turpentine factory mixed with gooseberries and fuck. The kind that makes you want to screw the cap on even tighter before you even take it off. That’s some bad vodka.

Speaking of which, Tom Hanks must be a raging drunk to even consider doing movies like this. Didn’t he win some acting award for queerboy theatre freaks on some TV show for that movie where he died of the gay plague? Now, he’s Professa John Longdong and he fights the albino assassin hired by the Church of Rome to detonate the antimatter box at the CERN research center… to kill the Pope. Lost yet? Hang on.

So, Tommy and some bitch go running around Rome trying to figure out some weird code left in stone monuments by the Illuminati 500 years ago that shows that the Templars or someone told the Church about a secret Gospel that said Jesus was a hairdresser or something and that the new Pope is like, whateva dude, let the truth be told! And so some cookoo decides to kill the Pope by hiring an albino trained by the Hashashim bandits to nuke Rome and blame it on the rain.

Hanks is barely inept in his role, but not nearly as treelike as he was in the prequel, Da Davinci Code, Yo, where he could barely muster a facial twitch if he was on Alzheimer’s meds. Howard reverts to his ‘blowed stuff up good’ and make no sense approach that has won his tens of fans over the last twenty years.

One bright spot is that the movie ends.

I won’t ruin the huge surprise about the monuments making a pentagram and that the girl lead’s father, the scientist is behind the whole thing, so don’t worry.

All in all I draw an e-asshole emoticon like this –> (*) for this movie. Look! It looks like someone bending over so you can see the anal pucker!!! ha ha! Ha ha! So, don’t go see it, don’t rent it, don’t I-Flick or eTunes it or whatever and scream in anyone’s fucking face who brings it up.

I am Dr. Robert J. Murk and I am Awesome.

ROYTERS has made up learned that Sonia Sotomayor will be confirmed as the next Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States.  This photograph taken during the hearings explains why.

Most agree that Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation hearings went well and that the judge made no mistakes that would derail her nomination (hey, did you know that she’s an Hispanic woman that grew up in the Bronx?  Are you sure she’s not J-Lo?) despite attempts to do so by the Republicans.

However, the bag broke as the hearings concluded.  Sotomayor left the Senate through a back alley and was caught on tape making some startling admissions to an aide.  While pulling out a pack of cigarettes and taking a pull from a bottle of  Tequila, Sotomayor cackled, “I can’t fucking believe those dopes in the Senate bought that shit about me being mainstream!  I’ll show ‘em now, they’ve got no idea what the fuck they’re in for!  I’m a Nazi loving, baby killing, pro-Kim Jong Il, puppy hating, kitty eater!  I’m going to wreck this fucking country, mother fucker!  White people, get ready for the poor house, it’s time for MEXICAN SUPER FRIENDS!  It’s on, bitches!  BLACK-BROWN POWER!”

Democrats have long been accused of being socialists, something that has been vehemently denied.  However, with the Senate and House pushing sweeping health care “reform” bills, Democrats have admitted that they are, in fact, socialists.  They further announced that their protestations to the contrary must now be correctly viewed as “a crock of horse shit,” said Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD).

“I mean, look, there’s nothing wrong with people having to contribute to the general welfare,” said Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), “but this plan goes beyond that.  We’re forcing employers to provide health care coverage and we’re going to criminalize not having health care.  You’re not going to be able to choose any longer, we’re going to choose for you.  Kiss the Bill of Rights good bye, at least when it comes to health care.”

In addition, the Democrats in the House want to take money directly from the rich and give it to the poor who are unable to afford health care.  “Yeah, um, that’s socialism, dude, no way around it,” said Charlie Rangel (D-NY), “Can’t believe you all just figured out what we were about.  It’s like we said about W, ‘Don’t believe the lies!’”

Dr. Robert J. Murk

Editoriator

In a country plagued by competition, the ratio of contestants to winners in five billion hundred eighty to one. That means in every contest, be it sport, fashion or sex-a-thon, there are going to be losers.

And these losers tend to pile up, usually on the highway whenever I’m driving. The kinda weave all over the place like drunken pop tards or handi-kids on meth. It’s like watching the Jews run Israel. But how do we fix this surplus of losers? Simple. Mandatory Death Clause.

From this day forward, America should put a mandatory death clause in every competition. Anyone loses, they get shot or get forced to walk over a land mine. I draw my inspiration from Iraq. Look how many losers never come back! Look how awesome that country is now! No more losers.

This will cause a certain fear of loss which will lower the old competative spirit. Look. Too many people are competing in venues they have no shot to win in. Hey, I never run for President of Iran because: a.) I know I will lose and b.) losing means death. I take the Iranian election very seriously now, but American Idol? Yeah. I can win that. And even if I don’t, who fucking cares right? Well, add the gas chamber and some people might think twice.

See, it’s a double glory hole solution. Loser die in a form of state sanction Darwinism and pussies don’t bother to compete. So, we’re left with only winners. What a treat.

Yeah America. Yeah God. Dr. Murk.

The prestigious American Film Institute recently undertook to determine, once and for all, the greatest film of all time.  A debate has raged for decades as to whether any single film could be considered the greatest of all time due to the inherent differences from era to era.  “I mean, while Birth of A Nation was groundbreaking, it’s hard to compare that to some recent action films like The Dark Knight or Watchmen.  The technology is too different to make a valid comparison,” said the corpse of Orson Welles, “And how could you compare Unforgiven to Stagecoach?  You can get darker and explore a great deal more today than you could then.  It’s really a difficult task.”

The AFI, however, refused to be deterred and put together a select committee to determine the greatest film once and for all.  After seven years of research, the Special Select Committee on Greatness announced earlier today that “Jawbreaker” starring Rose McGowan (OMG, she’s so hot!!!) is the greatest film ever made.  In coming to its conclusion, the Committee took special note of the performance of Judy Greer as Fern Mayo which set the stage for her role as the bearded lady in My Name is Earl.

“And you can’t find a better moment of cinematic cumuppance than when Courtney, Rose McGowan’s character, gets named prom queen only to have her murder uncovered which causes everyone to suddenly hate her and start throwing things at her.  And, man, when Julie, played by the sexy Rebecca Gayheart, takes the photos of her just like Courtney took the photos of Liz at the start of the movie?  Brilliant.

“The fact that we never see her criminally prosecuted is the icing on the cake.  Some say that the ending is horribly contrived and that most people wouldn’t believe the ‘confession,’ but those people just don’t comprehend greatness,” explained the Committee in a written statement.

When pressed for the real reason behind its decision, the Committee explained that the film helped launch McGowan’s career, which led to the greatest opening in movie history as seen below.