Tranformers II: Rise of the Fallen

a movie review by Dr. Robert J. Murk

So, I went to the movies last Saturday. I paid nine bucks to go watch a sequel to a movie based on a cartoon from the 1980s. Why? It had plenty of ‘done blowed up good’ in it. Plus, the movie theater is air conditioned.

Usually. This movie was so gay they sent it to the four theater annex across the hallway from the real cinema. Nothing is quite as unnerving as being told your movie is ‘across the hall.’ What the fuck does that mean? I’ll tell you.

Across the hall is where movies go to die. The concession stand is always closed. No one check your tickets. The air conditioner is NOT on. The previews are for movies that are already playing at the main complex (a subtle hint that you may want to reconsider what you’ve decided to see). There are more flies than people. And the real sign something was amiss… there was no trash on the floor at all.

So, there I sat in ghost twon with Mrs. Dr. Murk, a huge Transformers fan. And this movie had Transformers in it. Lots of them. The problem was telling them apart. Sure, the Autobots are all different colors and sizes and that makes it great for telling them apart. But the Decepticons were all silver monstrosities with the same face. I though megatron died like sixteen times.

So, not to ruin the plot (um, okay there wasn’t a real plot but a Transformers plot) but the main villain shows up with no real back story, no basis in the Transformers universe and talks like the Emperor from Star Wars (even calling Megatron his ‘young apprentice’). He’s so far beyond the worst villain ever that I laugh at the idea. HA!

The girl in the movie is noted for being very hot. Okay. But they kept showing slow motion and close ups of her that looked like out takes from a Warrant video. By the end of the movie, I wanted the Decepticons to kill her.

Besides the explosions and some minor special effects and CG improvements, this movie wasn’t shit. You can skip it, fall asleep on the couch, dream you went to go see the movie and not miss anything.

Should I have expected less? No. This review is already adjusted for my low expectations for this movie. All I wanted was wall to wall explosions and cars that turned into robots and fought each other. Instead, there was an additional half hour of trash interspersed. Fatal, failed attempts at humor, stereotypical mock negro breakdancing robots with ghetto jive talk, a love story that was written by a horny sixth grader, political commentary and an obligatory mention of President Obama, the Iraq war, alins built the pyramids conspiracy… my GOD…

Not recommended, eight thumbs down. I went out and borrowed extra thumbs. It sucked. IT SUCKED!!! FUCK IT! HARD!!!

Less than meets the eye.

Angels and Demons: A Movie Review

Dr. Robert J. Murk awesome film critic.

While I haven’t seen Ron Howard’s latest installment of the Dan Brown saga, I can tell you it is by far the worst movie ever. After not watching it due to it’s suckitude. I can safely say I hated ever fucked up minute of it.

First off, Ron Howard is the lowest brand of genius you can buy. If he were a vodka, he’d be Zarkoff or Russian Headski Fliddermaus. Like ten dollar a gallon cheap ass vodka that’s made of the run off from a turpentine factory mixed with gooseberries and fuck. The kind that makes you want to screw the cap on even tighter before you even take it off. That’s some bad vodka.

Speaking of which, Tom Hanks must be a raging drunk to even consider doing movies like this. Didn’t he win some acting award for queerboy theatre freaks on some TV show for that movie where he died of the gay plague? Now, he’s Professa John Longdong and he fights the albino assassin hired by the Church of Rome to detonate the antimatter box at the CERN research center… to kill the Pope. Lost yet? Hang on.

So, Tommy and some bitch go running around Rome trying to figure out some weird code left in stone monuments by the Illuminati 500 years ago that shows that the Templars or someone told the Church about a secret Gospel that said Jesus was a hairdresser or something and that the new Pope is like, whateva dude, let the truth be told! And so some cookoo decides to kill the Pope by hiring an albino trained by the Hashashim bandits to nuke Rome and blame it on the rain.

Hanks is barely inept in his role, but not nearly as treelike as he was in the prequel, Da Davinci Code, Yo, where he could barely muster a facial twitch if he was on Alzheimer’s meds. Howard reverts to his ‘blowed stuff up good’ and make no sense approach that has won his tens of fans over the last twenty years.

One bright spot is that the movie ends.

I won’t ruin the huge surprise about the monuments making a pentagram and that the girl lead’s father, the scientist is behind the whole thing, so don’t worry.

All in all I draw an e-asshole emoticon like this –> (*) for this movie. Look! It looks like someone bending over so you can see the anal pucker!!! ha ha! Ha ha! So, don’t go see it, don’t rent it, don’t I-Flick or eTunes it or whatever and scream in anyone’s fucking face who brings it up.

I am Dr. Robert J. Murk and I am Awesome.

We’ve Got Losers

Dr. Robert J. Murk

Editoriator

In a country plagued by competition, the ratio of contestants to winners in five billion hundred eighty to one. That means in every contest, be it sport, fashion or sex-a-thon, there are going to be losers.

And these losers tend to pile up, usually on the highway whenever I’m driving. The kinda weave all over the place like drunken pop tards or handi-kids on meth. It’s like watching the Jews run Israel. But how do we fix this surplus of losers? Simple. Mandatory Death Clause.

From this day forward, America should put a mandatory death clause in every competition. Anyone loses, they get shot or get forced to walk over a land mine. I draw my inspiration from Iraq. Look how many losers never come back! Look how awesome that country is now! No more losers.

This will cause a certain fear of loss which will lower the old competative spirit. Look. Too many people are competing in venues they have no shot to win in. Hey, I never run for President of Iran because: a.) I know I will lose and b.) losing means death. I take the Iranian election very seriously now, but American Idol? Yeah. I can win that. And even if I don’t, who fucking cares right? Well, add the gas chamber and some people might think twice.

See, it’s a double glory hole solution. Loser die in a form of state sanction Darwinism and pussies don’t bother to compete. So, we’re left with only winners. What a treat.

Yeah America. Yeah God. Dr. Murk.

Film Critics Announce Greatest Movie of All Time

The prestigious American Film Institute recently undertook to determine, once and for all, the greatest film of all time.  A debate has raged for decades as to whether any single film could be considered the greatest of all time due to the inherent differences from era to era.  “I mean, while Birth of A Nation was groundbreaking, it’s hard to compare that to some recent action films like The Dark Knight or Watchmen.  The technology is too different to make a valid comparison,” said the corpse of Orson Welles, “And how could you compare Unforgiven to Stagecoach?  You can get darker and explore a great deal more today than you could then.  It’s really a difficult task.”

The AFI, however, refused to be deterred and put together a select committee to determine the greatest film once and for all.  After seven years of research, the Special Select Committee on Greatness announced earlier today that “Jawbreaker” starring Rose McGowan (OMG, she’s so hot!!!) is the greatest film ever made.  In coming to its conclusion, the Committee took special note of the performance of Judy Greer as Fern Mayo which set the stage for her role as the bearded lady in My Name is Earl.

“And you can’t find a better moment of cinematic cumuppance than when Courtney, Rose McGowan’s character, gets named prom queen only to have her murder uncovered which causes everyone to suddenly hate her and start throwing things at her.  And, man, when Julie, played by the sexy Rebecca Gayheart, takes the photos of her just like Courtney took the photos of Liz at the start of the movie?  Brilliant.

“The fact that we never see her criminally prosecuted is the icing on the cake.  Some say that the ending is horribly contrived and that most people wouldn’t believe the ‘confession,’ but those people just don’t comprehend greatness,” explained the Committee in a written statement.

When pressed for the real reason behind its decision, the Committee explained that the film helped launch McGowan’s career, which led to the greatest opening in movie history as seen below.

Malach Is An Idiot

ROYTERS apologizes for the poor reporting of Malach the Merciless.  Here is the real story about Sen. John McCain’s running mate.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running-mate, cheerfully telling a crowd of reporters that “he tapped that ho’”.  McCain said that his decision was based on a stellar three-way he had with her and his wife Cindy.  McCain, who snubbed more established candidates such as Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, defended the choice by noting that he needed “a hot piece of tail” to attract independent male voters.  “I needed someone who could forget that I’m an albino midget, and she was the natural choice.  I mean, she’s a total GILF, a governor I’d like to fuck!  And I have!” McCain said before changing his positions on every issue.

Polls indicate that McCain’s choice has not worked.  People still recognize that McCain is a carbon copy of President Bush and will only continue the erosion of America’s civil liberties and constitutional rights.  He will roll-back abortion rights, stand in the way of energy independence by supporting off-shore drilling, and will not provide tax relief for the middle class.  McCain will continue to support the wealthiest one percent at the expense of the rest of the country and keep American soldiers dying in Iraq for the next century.

When asked about what McCain would do as President, Palin agreed with the above analysis.  She said that she did not have a problem with it, though, as it would get her the hell out of Alaska.  “Turns out it’s not like Northern Exposure at all,” Palin commented while taking a crash-course in foreign policy, “Hey, will I get to meet Jack Bauer if I’m VP?  He’s so dreamy!  Oh, and can anyone tell me what this whole deal with Iran is?  What kind of a country elects people with a name like that?  Ahmadinejad?  Sounds like a mixed drink or something!  Speaking of which, can I get a cosmo?”

Obama Joe Biden

I report for ROYTERS. We are fair and impartial here. So, I hope I don’t get fired for revealing an earth shattering discovery that might rock the silly pants off the Libs Leftists who pretend to be politically knowledgeable.

Names. Names that righ strikingly familiar in the ear of a wounded nation. Obama Joe Biden. It’s code. Take a moment and think what global terrorist leader has a name that sounds like that. Puzzle it out. Obama Joe Biden.

Now, a few pieces to this puzzle. Barack Obama refused to have a woman running mate. Perhaps she refused to wear a burkha? Barack Obama had an anti-semetic preacher. Was it the only Christianity he could fake? His middle name is Hussien and he wants America out of Iraq, sight unseen, without forthought of the consequences. Maybe he wants to live there?

And there’s the Obama Biden signs, which when read quick, look an awful lot like the name of the most hated American enemy alive…

Worried?

Goodbye America…

Barack Obama “Not Into Tits”

BARACK.... SMOKES!!!

 Useless piece of shit Barack Obama said he is ‘not all that into tits’ during an interview at the Christian Strip Club in Kansas, Nebraska today.

“Naw, I ain’t into all that. Tits are for kids. I got 50 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” He took a long long drag of his mac dad cigarette, slapped a waitress’s ass, and continued. “That’s what it’s all about. Yeah, I’m an ass man.”

When asked who he thought was into tits, he thought, blackly, “El-Spitz, yo.”

DAMN!

I Am Dr. Murk

And I endorse this shit. What makes a good candidate? Two heterosexuals in love. You see, I find it hard to understand how all these people who were born the old fashioned way and raised in a hetero house can just turn their back and support this new fangled gay people marriage.

Hey, dildo, you came from a heterosexual union. It ain’t so bad! I firmly stand by my notion that gays can get married when they can produce viable offspring without help from science, doctors, surrogates etc. As soon as two lesbians can make out and have a baby, fine. As soon as two poofs can back door their way to a baby, they can be man and wife.

You see, it’s a little like retarded people complaining that they can’t be magicians. That’s right. You can’t. Because you’re retarded. Nasa doesn’t accept retarded astronauts. No big deal. You just can’t do things that an astronaut needs to do. Same with gays. If you have to play by gay sexual special olympics rules to make a baby, maybe you shouldn’t be making babies.

Think about it. If dogs want to get married, that’s cute, but do we really put a ‘dog marriage’ on the same level as a human marriage? No. Gays are like retarded dogs. They can fuck all they want, but no babies can come out, so no marriage.

It’s not so bad. Marriage should be the terrible burden of hetero couples anyways. We’re stronger and we have Jesus and so we can take it. So, let’s review. Jesus was not a gay retarded dog and so you can’t get married even though Jesus never got married and was not gay or a dog.

Thank you for your time.

Liberal Online Rag Fails

ROYTERS is reporting that ROYTERS is full of shit. I, for one, applaud the move. With election time upon it, it is clear that ROYTERS is determined to ruin the nation by posting sarcastic liberal rants with no real humor. Including this one.

So, off with your shirts, ladies and let’s party like it’s 1984(r).

Remember: No party is worth voting over.

So, You Want to Be Famous?

Don’t bother. Celebrities aren’t real. They are played by ‘life actors’. Harrison Ford was the first. They paid him to be a full time, 24 hour actor, pretending to be Harrison Ford. His real name is Melky Lippshitts and he used to work at the Purina Pickle Plant for Kids. He is a convicted felon. He has a barbed wire addiction and no penis.