Hi, I’m Michele Bachman and I need a dictionary.

ROYTERS recently learned that not enough people have dictionaries. ROYTERS also learned that those who should have access to dictionaries do not know how to use them. Case in point, Michele Bachman. At the Republican Party presidential candidate debate (with more than a year before the election, are these really necessary?), Ms. Bachman received a question about whether she is a submissive wife. While some have criticized this as being unfair, I think that her response points to a larger issue. Namely, that the crazy bi-atch can’t fracking read.

When pressed to explain what “submission” means to her and her husband (um, hello, it’s a word that has defined meanings. That’s why we have a dictionary. For someone who claims to know a lot about history, you should know that about dictionaries), she said that it means “respect.” Wow, that’s interesting. I had no idea that submissive, a word which means, according to the dictionary:

of, tending towards, or indicating submission, humility, or servility

actually is the same thing as “respect,” which, as you know, means:

1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.

2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.

3. To relate or refer to; concern.

n.

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. See Synonyms at regard.

2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.

3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

4. respects Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one’s respects.

5. A particular aspect, feature, or detail: In many respects this is an important decision.

6. Usage Problem Relation; reference. See Usage Note at regard.

Given that these two words are the same, there’s no reason not to interchange them. When the wife and I argue about things, I can now say, “Woman, you better respect to me and do what I say or I’ll shake you good!” Also, when I hear Aretha Franklin blasting out “RESPECT,” I can sing along and say “All I’m asking is for a little submission!” And, most important, I now know that slave owners weren’t having their slaves beaten into submission, they were having them beaten into respect. Always good to learn things.

Thanks, Michelle, for clearing that up and confirming, yet again, that you’re not a total moron!

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