Hi, I’m Michele Bachman and I need a dictionary.

ROYTERS recently learned that not enough people have dictionaries. ROYTERS also learned that those who should have access to dictionaries do not know how to use them. Case in point, Michele Bachman. At the Republican Party presidential candidate debate (with more than a year before the election, are these really necessary?), Ms. Bachman received a question about whether she is a submissive wife. While some have criticized this as being unfair, I think that her response points to a larger issue. Namely, that the crazy bi-atch can’t fracking read.

When pressed to explain what “submission” means to her and her husband (um, hello, it’s a word that has defined meanings. That’s why we have a dictionary. For someone who claims to know a lot about history, you should know that about dictionaries), she said that it means “respect.” Wow, that’s interesting. I had no idea that submissive, a word which means, according to the dictionary:

of, tending towards, or indicating submission, humility, or servility

actually is the same thing as “respect,” which, as you know, means:

1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.

2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.

3. To relate or refer to; concern.

n.

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. See Synonyms at regard.

2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.

3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

4. respects Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one’s respects.

5. A particular aspect, feature, or detail: In many respects this is an important decision.

6. Usage Problem Relation; reference. See Usage Note at regard.

Given that these two words are the same, there’s no reason not to interchange them. When the wife and I argue about things, I can now say, “Woman, you better respect to me and do what I say or I’ll shake you good!” Also, when I hear Aretha Franklin blasting out “RESPECT,” I can sing along and say “All I’m asking is for a little submission!” And, most important, I now know that slave owners weren’t having their slaves beaten into submission, they were having them beaten into respect. Always good to learn things.

Thanks, Michelle, for clearing that up and confirming, yet again, that you’re not a total moron!

Where is Dana Perino?

Apparently, the only thing that ROYTERS is good for is a search tool for “dana perino,” “dana perino hot,” “sarah palin lesbian” and other random searches that have nothing to do with the satire that this site is all about. At some point, though, you have to realize what you are and what other people have made you. Along those lines, enjoy a collection of images of top search engine terms that will make the sick, twisted people who come and read this site happy. We start with Dana Perino.

Now, some of you might say that is not Dana Perino. And you would be right. That’s Kristen Bell. But if someone were to play Dana Perino in a movie, wouldn’t it be Kristen Bell? She’s so fracking hot. Here’s the rest of what you all really want to see:

 

And let’s not forget Bia and Branca Feres!

You’re welcome, jerks.

Santorum Blasts Schools for lack of Thought Control

Rick Santorum, who apparently is running for president, accused school systems across the country of indoctrinating America’s youth. While some initially dismissed this as a typical move for right-wingers (blaming a nameless, faceless institution that cannot fight back and using the lack of response to make yourself look correct), Santorum pressed the accuracy of his statement.

“When I said that people support Obama and socialism because American schools are indoctrinating children, I meant it,” Santorum said while writing another check for private school tuition so his children would not have to interact with real people, “Schools are just out there, letting their teachers present facts and letting students make decisions on their own. That’s just not the way to do things, it’s exactly what Orwell warned us about in 1984, or whatever that book is. It’s disgusting, really unacceptable. Letting people think for themselves, pure socialist indoctrination. This is why the federal government should get out of the teaching business (what, really? The federal government? Where were you when No Child Left Behind got passed?).”

A gaggle of confused reporters managed to ask what the hell Santorum meant and he, for some reason, decided to keep talking. “Look, if people support socialism, it’s because they haven’t been taught the truth. They haven’t been taught about American history. They haven’t been taught to hate gay people, to vote Republican. And I don’t mean John McCain Republican, I mean George W. Bush Republican. That’s how schools should operate, they should tell everyone exactly how to think about every possible issue. But this presenting facts stuff is just garbage and I’ll fix it when I’m President.”

The reporters began laughing at that to which Santorum said, “What’s so funny?”

Obama Claims Leadership Mantle (Then Gives it to the GOP)

President Barack Obama, who recently oversaw an agreement that prevented default on government debt and pissed everyone off in the process, is taking his case to the American people that he is a proven leader. “It’s true, I’m a great leader,” Obama explained to a crowd of three people who still support him, “I managed to do something that my constituents hate, that my party hates and that only Republicans kind of like while still hating. It takes an amazing, quality individual to miss several attempts to raise the debt ceiling and to narrowly avoid default in the context. I’m just that kind of guy – the kind of guy who misses opportunities and manages to piss everyone off while doing it. Ready for four more years? Yeah, I didn’t think so, I suck.”