Film Critics Announce Greatest Movie of All Time

The prestigious American Film Institute recently undertook to determine, once and for all, the greatest film of all time.  A debate has raged for decades as to whether any single film could be considered the greatest of all time due to the inherent differences from era to era.  “I mean, while Birth of A Nation was groundbreaking, it’s hard to compare that to some recent action films like The Dark Knight or Watchmen.  The technology is too different to make a valid comparison,” said the corpse of Orson Welles, “And how could you compare Unforgiven to Stagecoach?  You can get darker and explore a great deal more today than you could then.  It’s really a difficult task.”

The AFI, however, refused to be deterred and put together a select committee to determine the greatest film once and for all.  After seven years of research, the Special Select Committee on Greatness announced earlier today that “Jawbreaker” starring Rose McGowan (OMG, she’s so hot!!!) is the greatest film ever made.  In coming to its conclusion, the Committee took special note of the performance of Judy Greer as Fern Mayo which set the stage for her role as the bearded lady in My Name is Earl.

“And you can’t find a better moment of cinematic cumuppance than when Courtney, Rose McGowan’s character, gets named prom queen only to have her murder uncovered which causes everyone to suddenly hate her and start throwing things at her.  And, man, when Julie, played by the sexy Rebecca Gayheart, takes the photos of her just like Courtney took the photos of Liz at the start of the movie?  Brilliant.

“The fact that we never see her criminally prosecuted is the icing on the cake.  Some say that the ending is horribly contrived and that most people wouldn’t believe the ‘confession,’ but those people just don’t comprehend greatness,” explained the Committee in a written statement.

When pressed for the real reason behind its decision, the Committee explained that the film helped launch McGowan’s career, which led to the greatest opening in movie history as seen below.