Michael Vick, fresh off a twenty-three month prison sentence, was conditionally reinstated to the NFL today. Commissioner Roger Goodell reinstated Vick despite the fact that Vick is a convicted felon, was involved in the murder and torture of multiple dogs, bankrolled the same, and was less than forthcoming about his involvement when sentenced. In explaining his decision, Goodell said, “Hey, man, all felons get to resume life where they left off. Name me one felon who ever had start life at a lower spot on the totem pole than before they were convicted. That never happens, ever.”
Vick held a press conference announcing his pleasure with the decision. When asked if he planned to celebrate, Vick stated that he would by adopting all the dogs in a 100 mile radius of his hometown. When asked why, he said that he would be holding a giant dog fight at Lane Stadium in Blacksburg, Virginia where Vick played college football for Virginia Tech. He added that it would be for participants in the Make-A-Wish foundation only.
In explaining his decision to hold a dog fight, Vick said, “I think that this is a great way to conclude this grossly unjust chapter in American history. No one has been more victimized by this than me. Well, maybe all those dogs I drowned with my bare hands after making them fight to the death — it’s really a toss up if you ask me. Hell, they died after it was over. I had to spend time in prison and pick up my life where I left off as opposed to earning my way back through the UFL. Also, I’m a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity. Dogs are little more than ways for me and friends to make money gambling, which is probably a crime in and of itself. But what do I know, I’m not a lawyer. I’m also not much of a human being. Good thing Goodell didn’t pick up on that.”
In a related story, Tony Dungy was considered a class act for agreeing to mentor Vick during his release from prison. This almost makes up for the fact that he’s an anti-gay bigot who cares more about people who murder defenseless animals than law-abiding citizens who want to marry the ones they love. Nice job, sports media, for buying the lie that Dungy is anything other than a total piece of shit.
While I haven’t seen Ron Howard’s latest installment of the Dan Brown saga, I can tell you it is by far the worst movie ever. After not watching it due to it’s suckitude. I can safely say I hated ever fucked up minute of it.
First off, Ron Howard is the lowest brand of genius you can buy. If he were a vodka, he’d be Zarkoff or Russian Headski Fliddermaus. Like ten dollar a gallon cheap ass vodka that’s made of the run off from a turpentine factory mixed with gooseberries and fuck. The kind that makes you want to screw the cap on even tighter before you even take it off. That’s some bad vodka.
Speaking of which, Tom Hanks must be a raging drunk to even consider doing movies like this. Didn’t he win some acting award for queerboy theatre freaks on some TV show for that movie where he died of the gay plague? Now, he’s Professa John Longdong and he fights the albino assassin hired by the Church of Rome to detonate the antimatter box at the CERN research center… to kill the Pope. Lost yet? Hang on.
So, Tommy and some bitch go running around Rome trying to figure out some weird code left in stone monuments by the Illuminati 500 years ago that shows that the Templars or someone told the Church about a secret Gospel that said Jesus was a hairdresser or something and that the new Pope is like, whateva dude, let the truth be told! And so some cookoo decides to kill the Pope by hiring an albino trained by the Hashashim bandits to nuke Rome and blame it on the rain.
Hanks is barely inept in his role, but not nearly as treelike as he was in the prequel, Da Davinci Code, Yo, where he could barely muster a facial twitch if he was on Alzheimer’s meds. Howard reverts to his ‘blowed stuff up good’ and make no sense approach that has won his tens of fans over the last twenty years.
One bright spot is that the movie ends.
I won’t ruin the huge surprise about the monuments making a pentagram and that the girl lead’s father, the scientist is behind the whole thing, so don’t worry.
All in all I draw an e-asshole emoticon like this –> (*) for this movie. Look! It looks like someone bending over so you can see the anal pucker!!! ha ha! Ha ha! So, don’t go see it, don’t rent it, don’t I-Flick or eTunes it or whatever and scream in anyone’s fucking face who brings it up.
ROYTERS has made up learned that Sonia Sotomayor will be confirmed as the next Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. This photograph taken during the hearings explains why.
However, the bag broke as the hearings concluded. Sotomayor left the Senate through a back alley and was caught on tape making some startling admissions to an aide. While pulling out a pack of cigarettes and taking a pull from a bottle of Tequila, Sotomayor cackled, “I can’t fucking believe those dopes in the Senate bought that shit about me being mainstream! I’ll show ‘em now, they’ve got no idea what the fuck they’re in for! I’m a Nazi loving, baby killing, pro-Kim Jong Il, puppy hating, kitty eater! I’m going to wreck this fucking country, mother fucker! White people, get ready for the poor house, it’s time for MEXICAN SUPER FRIENDS! It’s on, bitches! BLACK-BROWN POWER!”
Democrats have long been accused of being socialists, something that has been vehemently denied. However, with the Senate and House pushing sweeping health care “reform” bills, Democrats have admitted that they are, in fact, socialists. They further announced that their protestations to the contrary must now be correctly viewed as “a crock of horse shit,” said Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD).
“I mean, look, there’s nothing wrong with people having to contribute to the general welfare,” said Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), “but this plan goes beyond that. We’re forcing employers to provide health care coverage and we’re going to criminalize not having health care. You’re not going to be able to choose any longer, we’re going to choose for you. Kiss the Bill of Rights good bye, at least when it comes to health care.”
In a country plagued by competition, the ratio of contestants to winners in five billion hundred eighty to one. That means in every contest, be it sport, fashion or sex-a-thon, there are going to be losers.
And these losers tend to pile up, usually on the highway whenever I’m driving. The kinda weave all over the place like drunken pop tards or handi-kids on meth. It’s like watching the Jews run Israel. But how do we fix this surplus of losers? Simple. Mandatory Death Clause.
From this day forward, America should put a mandatory death clause in every competition. Anyone loses, they get shot or get forced to walk over a land mine. I draw my inspiration from Iraq. Look how many losers never come back! Look how awesome that country is now! No more losers.
This will cause a certain fear of loss which will lower the old competative spirit. Look. Too many people are competing in venues they have no shot to win in. Hey, I never run for President of Iran because: a.) I know I will lose and b.) losing means death. I take the Iranian election very seriously now, but American Idol? Yeah. I can win that. And even if I don’t, who fucking cares right? Well, add the gas chamber and some people might think twice.
See, it’s a double glory hole solution. Loser die in a form of state sanction Darwinism and pussies don’t bother to compete. So, we’re left with only winners. What a treat.
The prestigious American Film Institute recently undertook to determine, once and for all, the greatest film of all time. A debate has raged for decades as to whether any single film could be considered the greatest of all time due to the inherent differences from era to era. “I mean, while Birth of A Nation was groundbreaking, it’s hard to compare that to some recent action films like The Dark Knight or Watchmen. The technology is too different to make a valid comparison,” said the corpse of Orson Welles, “And how could you compare Unforgiven to Stagecoach? You can get darker and explore a great deal more today than you could then. It’s really a difficult task.”
The AFI, however, refused to be deterred and put together a select committee to determine the greatest film once and for all. After seven years of research, the Special Select Committee on Greatness announced earlier today that “Jawbreaker” starring Rose McGowan (OMG, she’s so hot!!!) is the greatest film ever made. In coming to its conclusion, the Committee took special note of the performance of Judy Greer as Fern Mayo which set the stage for her role as the bearded lady in My Name is Earl.
“And you can’t find a better moment of cinematic cumuppance than when Courtney, Rose McGowan’s character, gets named prom queen only to have her murder uncovered which causes everyone to suddenly hate her and start throwing things at her. And, man, when Julie, played by the sexy Rebecca Gayheart, takes the photos of her just like Courtney took the photos of Liz at the start of the movie? Brilliant.
“The fact that we never see her criminally prosecuted is the icing on the cake. Some say that the ending is horribly contrived and that most people wouldn’t believe the ‘confession,’ but those people just don’t comprehend greatness,” explained the Committee in a written statement.
When pressed for the real reason behind its decision, the Committee explained that the film helped launch McGowan’s career, which led to the greatest opening in movie history as seen below.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin (R-AK) surprised the world and announced that she would be resigning her position later this month, she was, unfortunately, fully clothed for the announcement — . Political commentators were stunned by the announcement, with many noting that her lack of experience and familiarity with key issues are not going to improve if she’s no longer governor. While many were trying to predict the political fallout of Ms. Palin’s move, others wondered what her exact reason for stepping down was.
In a rambling, seemingly pointless press conference that had the feel of a rural school board leader stepping down from a long time position, Ms. Palin gave several reasons for her decision, none of which made sense (does she actually think that the Governor of Alaska is a fucking point guard or something? WTF?). ROYTERS, however, has made up learned the real reason for her decision — Ms. Palin and her family will start a folk rock band performing live across the continental United States.
The band will be called “The Nailin Palins” and will feature puppet show performances by daughters Willow and Bristol (when they are not getting knocked up by David Letterman). The Nailin Palins will play a mix of music, but will rely heavily on Toby Keith and Reba McEntire arrangements until they can write their own songs. The band will start each set by burning effigies of the following persons:
Contributors to ROYTERS have gone on strike, angry about their workloads. “We will no longer work at a job that makes us do work on a daily basis. This is total fucking bullshit. We have private lives you fucking asswipes, get it through your thick fucking skulls!”
ROYTERS, desperate to fill the gap left by the disappearance of their contributors, have been left with no option but the nuclear one — ESPN writers will be hired. In order to explain the controversial decision, ROYTERS Chief Executive AngryMan said, “Look, we need content and we don’t have time to care about the quality of the reporting or whether stories are completely fabricated. As such, we decided to hire people from ESPN. I mean, shit, they’ve got like 800 people doing nothing but SportsCenter updates on ESPNRadio. It’ll be the perfect fit.”
. Political commentators were stunned by the announcement, with many noting that her lack of experience and familiarity with key issues are not going to improve if she’s no longer governor. While many were trying to predict the 