Malach Is An Idiot

ROYTERS apologizes for the poor reporting of Malach the Merciless.  Here is the real story about Sen. John McCain’s running mate.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running-mate, cheerfully telling a crowd of reporters that “he tapped that ho’”.  McCain said that his decision was based on a stellar three-way he had with her and his wife Cindy.  McCain, who snubbed more established candidates such as Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, defended the choice by noting that he needed “a hot piece of tail” to attract independent male voters.  “I needed someone who could forget that I’m an albino midget, and she was the natural choice.  I mean, she’s a total GILF, a governor I’d like to fuck!  And I have!” McCain said before changing his positions on every issue.

Polls indicate that McCain’s choice has not worked.  People still recognize that McCain is a carbon copy of President Bush and will only continue the erosion of America’s civil liberties and constitutional rights.  He will roll-back abortion rights, stand in the way of energy independence by supporting off-shore drilling, and will not provide tax relief for the middle class.  McCain will continue to support the wealthiest one percent at the expense of the rest of the country and keep American soldiers dying in Iraq for the next century.

When asked about what McCain would do as President, Palin agreed with the above analysis.  She said that she did not have a problem with it, though, as it would get her the hell out of Alaska.  “Turns out it’s not like Northern Exposure at all,” Palin commented while taking a crash-course in foreign policy, “Hey, will I get to meet Jack Bauer if I’m VP?  He’s so dreamy!  Oh, and can anyone tell me what this whole deal with Iran is?  What kind of a country elects people with a name like that?  Ahmadinejad?  Sounds like a mixed drink or something!  Speaking of which, can I get a cosmo?”