Malach reports on the Olympics

Beijing, CHINA – A ROYTERS Sports Exclusive

Malach here in pollution choked China.  I was going to report on the happenings of these Olympics Games, but something delayed me, and it wasn’t A-Rod this time.  I arrived early Monday morning, with a one way ticket and a ROYTERS American Express Card to do some reporting on the Olympics for ROYTYERS.  I was here to find some athletes, do some interviews, and by orders of my editors, get some naked lesbian sex pictures of Bia and Branca Feres, along with some bikinis from the beach volleyball whores to sell on E-Bay.

But things did not work out that way.  The minute I stepped off the plane, I started choking and coughing on the airborne pollutants in the Bejing air.  I screamed “GOD DAMN YOU CHINA, YOU SUCK!  TOTALLY POLLUTED AND HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION TO BOOT!”.  I then donned a gas mask, and put on my TIANAMEN SQUARE – REMEMBER t-shirt that also said FREE TIBET on the back.  That’s when it started, those Chinese Commies started following me around.  They were everywhere, in their little Army uniforms, and as they followed me around, I got nervous, and you wouldn’t like me when I get nervous, it makes me do strange things.  I started farting uncontrollably, sweating, and speaking in Sanskrit.  I took all my will not to strap a pack of frozen hotdogs to each foot and start ice skating up and down the streets in dowtown Beijing.

I screamed them at them “STOP FOLLOWING ME! I NEED TO FREELY USE THE INTERNET”, and what do they do?  A older Chinese guy in a army outfit stopped me; nervous me.  He began to speak.

“Ahhh, Meestah Marach, we keep eye on you.”  And he smiled his Chinese noodle eating grin at me. “You no give China bad name.”

Now I was super nervous, my leg involuntarily launched up and buried itself in his nut sack, he crumpled to the ground with a groan, and I started screaming “FREE TIBET! FREE TIBET!”  How good is Malach to be able to hit an Asian Man in his tiny gonads with one strike?  He’s that good.  I then whipped out my ROYTERS Satellite Laptop and began to blog about the evils of China.

Well, that was it, the remainder of his stunned cronies jumped me, beat me up, all the while I am screaming “I’M AN AMERICAN!  GODDAMN YOU COMMIES!”  I tried to fight using some of my Kung Fu skills, but was eventually overwhelmed, and only managed to kill 22 of his group. I was knocked unconscious and awoke in a Chinese Prison. 

Stupid Chinese and their prisons, I have escaped from worse, which I promptly did as soon as I had my wits about me, with the help of a pebble, piece of straw, and a bed spring.  I killed the guards, and was going to use of of their uniforms, but the Chinese are so short it would not be an effective disguise unless I was trying to do Chinese Special Olympics.

I climbed the fence, and dropped into a field, and made my escape.  I hopped a train back to Beijing, hiding in the baggage car, spending the rest of the day with a Bonobo Monkey named Chachi.  We played a little Poker, discussed the Russians, and designed a board game on our long ride back. 

I arrived back this morning and immediately checked in at ROYTERS Beijing office to post this; further reports will be forthcoming as Chachi and I get our disguises on and invade Olympic Village.  For now, I hide among the athletes, disguised in an Iraq Olympics team uniform I stole a few weeks ago, Chachi has on his fake Saddam Moustache and Iraq Army Uniform and is my silent and intimidating bodyguard.

Gotta go, I am approaching the Feres room now and the US Women’s Beach Volleyball team in going in there now, with a big bottle of Arbor Mist wine . . . .

I am Malach, master of disguise!