Living In New Orleans = Stupid

Political figures across the country have finally realized that it is a bad idea to live in New Orleans.  The risk of being struck by a severe hurricane, like Gustav, has made many people wonder whether the benefits of living in the Crescent City are outweighed by the damage a hurricane, like Katrina, can do.  “Yeah, it’s time to get out of this dump,” said New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, “It’s full of crime, the schools are bad, and we don’t have any wetlands to protect us against hurricanes.  There’s nothing good in this town.  The Saints suck year in and year out, and no one cares about the Hornets.  My advice to people who evacuate, DON’T COME BACK!”

National leaders, such as Barack Obama and John McCain, agree.  The two issued a joint-press release begging people not to continue living in the city until the wetlands can be restored.  “Look, you idiots, wetlands function as a natural barrier to hurricanes.  They absorb a lot of the water and harsh wins.  Until the wetlands are fully restored, you’re basically playing an elaborate game of Russian Roulette with nature.  We both agree that Mother Nature will kick your dumb asses all over the place.  Don’t believe us?  Ask the people who didn’t survive Katrina.  Oh, that’s right, you can’t.  They’re dead!”

Malach Is An Idiot

ROYTERS apologizes for the poor reporting of Malach the Merciless.  Here is the real story about Sen. John McCain’s running mate.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running-mate, cheerfully telling a crowd of reporters that “he tapped that ho’”.  McCain said that his decision was based on a stellar three-way he had with her and his wife Cindy.  McCain, who snubbed more established candidates such as Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, defended the choice by noting that he needed “a hot piece of tail” to attract independent male voters.  “I needed someone who could forget that I’m an albino midget, and she was the natural choice.  I mean, she’s a total GILF, a governor I’d like to fuck!  And I have!” McCain said before changing his positions on every issue.

Polls indicate that McCain’s choice has not worked.  People still recognize that McCain is a carbon copy of President Bush and will only continue the erosion of America’s civil liberties and constitutional rights.  He will roll-back abortion rights, stand in the way of energy independence by supporting off-shore drilling, and will not provide tax relief for the middle class.  McCain will continue to support the wealthiest one percent at the expense of the rest of the country and keep American soldiers dying in Iraq for the next century.

When asked about what McCain would do as President, Palin agreed with the above analysis.  She said that she did not have a problem with it, though, as it would get her the hell out of Alaska.  “Turns out it’s not like Northern Exposure at all,” Palin commented while taking a crash-course in foreign policy, “Hey, will I get to meet Jack Bauer if I’m VP?  He’s so dreamy!  Oh, and can anyone tell me what this whole deal with Iran is?  What kind of a country elects people with a name like that?  Ahmadinejad?  Sounds like a mixed drink or something!  Speaking of which, can I get a cosmo?”

Breaking News: McCain’s VP Pick

(ROYTERS) – Malach the Merciless has learned though inside sources in the John McCain Presidential ticket,whom he will be running with as his Vice President.  And since you buckos come to ROYTERS for the real news, I can reveal that 2 full hours before the Albino Midget with Dementia takes the stage and does his news conference.

McCain’s running mate will be:

That right, Michael Palin.  When I informed this high ranking McCain campaign staffer that Palin wasn’t a native born sun, he just laughed, and mocked my “liberal moon bat bleeding heart ideals”.  He then told me Obama has “no clue what he is talking about, McCain won’t visit, Obama cave.  Of course he wouldn’t, he would send this guy instead, of course if the American People choose to elect his old ass.” And then he handed me this video:

So there you have it, Palin with be your Vice Presidential Candidate!

2 HOURS LATER, SEE I WAS RIGHT.

I am Malach, and I got all the news before everyone else

Politics Is Boring

I’ve gone on record and said it.  Politics is boring.  Barack Obama is boring.  Hillary and Bill Clinton are boring.  Nothing about the boring convention has gotten me excited.  Not even Joe Biden.  He’s just some old white guy from Delawa . . .  Sorry, I fell asleep typing that last sentence it was so boring.

We need to make some changes.  This boring convention is not doing it.  What do we need?  We need a sexier Democratic Party.  John Edwards, Mr. Lies-and-Cheats, would be a good idea, but it’s too late for him.  Obama already won the nomination and is boring the crap out of us.  How can we make the campaign sexier?  Simple, just pay attention.

Catherine Zeta-Jones will replace Obama at the top of the ticket.  She is a lot like Obama.  She has no political experience and lived overseas, which makes up for all of that.  She is also a good actress, but not as good as Obama is at acting.  Obama makes you think that great change is possible and that he cares about you and people believe him.  I’m not sure that Zeta-Jones could pull that off, but she’s still a good actress.  Regardless, she’s super hot.  Just look.

Replacing Joe Biden . . . sorry, fell asleep with boredom again.  As I tried to say, replacing Joe Biden will be Julianne Moore.  She has a lot of similarities to Joe Biden.  She’s Irish, she plays a lot of characters who have fiery tempers, and she has a great deal of experience.  She dealt with a threat to the planet from aliens, battled a cannibalistic villain, and participated in a guerrilla movement against a corrupt order.  Unfortunately, she once let her child kill himself and then blamed a black guy for it.  Fortunately, the blacks are voting Democratic anyway, so it’s not a deal-breaker.  Most important, she likes to take her clothes off.  Take a look.

Finally, the Feres Twins will be the incoming Democratic Press Secretary.  Their hotness will make the perfect follow-up to the super-hot Dana Perino, just look below.

Election ‘08 goes to the Democrats.  You’re welcome.

McCain In Need Of Coverage

With the Democratic Convention taking place this week and the recent selection of Joe Biden as the Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is desperate for some media coverage.  In order to get more attention, McCain has taken a strange tactic.  Instead of talking about the issues, selecting his own Vice-President, or trying to connect with voters, McCain will be selling videos of his wife Cindy McCain stripping.  “The videos that we will be selling will not just be of Cindy stripping today,” McCain explained during a press conference, “We have videos from the 80s, 90s, and early 2000.  The goal is to give the public what it wants, a hot, naked woman at different stages of her life.  This is what the McCain campaign is all about, giving the American public the soft-core porn choices it wants.”

Many political experts have questioned the tactic, arguing that McCain should instead spend time talking to voters one-on-one.  Others, though, think that it is a coup.  “The American people are too dumb to understand issues,” said John Edwards while nailing a woman that is not his wife, “That’s why the Democrats ended up running a guy who constantly said that experience didn’t matter but chose a VP based solely on that concern.  I mean, hell, Americans only cared about the election when they heard I was having an affair, up until that point they were too busy with America’s Got Talent to pay attention.  Bottom line, this is a brilliant move by the McCain campaign.  Go for the lowest common denominator, it works all the time.  Oh, and I want to be clear, I never slept with Cindy McCain.”

A McCain spokesperson responded by producing photos of Edwards and Mrs. McCain having sex in 2004.  Edwards requested a paternity test.

Obama Joe Biden

I report for ROYTERS. We are fair and impartial here. So, I hope I don’t get fired for revealing an earth shattering discovery that might rock the silly pants off the Libs Leftists who pretend to be politically knowledgeable.

Names. Names that righ strikingly familiar in the ear of a wounded nation. Obama Joe Biden. It’s code. Take a moment and think what global terrorist leader has a name that sounds like that. Puzzle it out. Obama Joe Biden.

Now, a few pieces to this puzzle. Barack Obama refused to have a woman running mate. Perhaps she refused to wear a burkha? Barack Obama had an anti-semetic preacher. Was it the only Christianity he could fake? His middle name is Hussien and he wants America out of Iraq, sight unseen, without forthought of the consequences. Maybe he wants to live there?

And there’s the Obama Biden signs, which when read quick, look an awful lot like the name of the most hated American enemy alive…

Worried?

Goodbye America…

Why Joe Biden?

Sen. Barack Obama is on the defensive, already being forced to explain why he chose Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware to be his running mate.  Critics of the decision point out the following:

1) Biden voted in favor of the Iraq War, which contradicts Obama’s central message of judgment;

2) Biden has been a Senator for almost 40 years, which contradicts Obama’s message of change,

3) Biden is from a small Mid Atlantic state, this makes Obama’s 50-state strategy look like a PR campaign only,

and

4) Biden’s age makes it unlikely that he will be able to run for office following a potential Obama administration.

Obama forcefully defended his pick.  “Joe brings a lot of foreign policy experience to the ticket,” said Senator Obama while measuring the White House for curtains, “And you need to have someone with such experience in your Administration.  It’s not like there’s a cabinet position that deals with foreign-policy every single day.  Had there been a cabinet spot whose job description involved meeting with world leaders daily and troubleshooting international crises, I certainly would have put Biden in that slot.  But since such a position doesn’t exist, I had no choice but to make Biden my VP.”

Political commentators have learned that Obama tried to select the Feres twins, but that the two failed to meet the constitutional requirements forcing him two go with Biden instead.

What do hot chicks and the Olympics have in common? Malach the Merciless

BEIJING, CHINA -ROYTERS SPORTS

So, Malach was still on the run from the Chinese government, but Malach is smart, and by using double sided tape, and a speedo, I have transformed myself into a Chinese Diver.  Unfortunately my monkey friend got into some trouble. 

When we last left our intrepid ROYTER’S reporters, Malach was about to spy into the room of the Brazillian Sychronized Swimmer, the Feres twins, as the US Women’s Volleyball team entered with a bottle of Arbor Mist.  Getting my camera ready, I listened against the door, ready to burst in, when a yell of “HEY!” greeted me from the end of the hall.  It was a Chinese guard, he saw me with my ear to the door, a large ROYTERS camera in my hand.  He yelled something in Chinese into his walkie talkie, and began to run toward me.  Dressed as an Iraqi athlete probably didn’t help, but that little monkey, he was good, flying in the air, jump kicking the gaurd, snappinghis neck.  Of course that attracted tons of attention, and people started screaming.

Chinese Police burst into the door, my monkey grabbed me, and ran off, the opposite way down the hall.  The exit door ahead was soon blocked by the Chinese Gynastics Team, who had just come back from their meet.  My Monkey kicked in a vent in the wall to our left, tossed me down the shaft, said something in monkey with a raised fist, and dove in after me.

We crashed to the bottom of the duct work, kicking out the next grate, which led outside to the smog filled night.  Sirens were everywhere, but my monkey had a plan.  He looked in my eyes and kissed my forehead, and and reached into his utility belt, he pulled out and blew up a lifesize blow up doll of Malach, and ran off into the fray, causing the Chinese to chase him.  I was alone, my poor monkey friend . . .

Luckily he has a really bad sense of direction and ended up in Japan.

I snuck my way back to the ROTYERS Beijing office, which of course is in the slums, right behind a bright billboard.  I took a day or two off to let the heat die down, donned a new diguise as a Jamaican Sprinter, grabbed more supplies and equipment, threw them in a backpack and headed back to the residential areas of the Olympics.  Thanks to the ROYTERS tech guy Ching Chong for getting me the proper id’s and such.

I got to my room, no one questioning my orange disguise, and began making my plans.  As luck would have it, my room was right next door to Kobe Bryant, perhaps I could get an interview with him . . . unfortunately he was busy raping someone on a nightkly basis, and I had to many bad experiences with A-Rod to attempt that.

I changed disguises, into my Chinese Diver, figuring it would give me better access to what I was seeking.  I took a couple days to stake the place out, couldn’t sleep anyway, damn Kobe.  I was going expose whatever secret about these games that needed exposing, whatever that was, the Chinese would pay.

So this past evening, I am walking the halls, back by the Feres room.  All was quiet, then suddenly a cheering throng burst into the building . . . it was Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh, soaking wet, covered in sand, with gold medals around their necks . . .they were followed by the US Women’s Softball team, all seemed pretty inebriated, and to confirm my suspicious, there was Crystl Bustos, with a keg strapped to her back, and Jenny Finch, pulling a wagon filled with booze.

They passed me, and I just bowed, pretending not to understand their crazy English rantings, and they headed straight for the Feres room; one of the twin, I think it was Bia answered the door, saw May and Walsh and hugged them both, took a shot from the keg spout and Bustos laughed, and they all headed into their sweet smelling room, shut the door and locked it. 

This was my chance . . I parked myself on a bench in the hallway right by their door, and set up a laptop, attached a flexible telescoping camera to the laptop and fed it under the door.  I got one picture, before the tape wore off and my eyes went back to normal, unfortunately, that immediately attracted the attention of Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson who were walking toward the room, a bottle of MD 20/20 between them, both dressed in BRATZ pajamas.  They immediately saw my ruse.

“What are you doing?” Liukin asked quizzically.

“YOU CAN NOT STOP THE POWER OF THE PRESS!” I screamed and pulled the camera out from under the door, slammed the laptop shut, and I backed off.

“PERVERT!”  Johnson started to run after me, like I was vaulting apparatus, screaming at the top of her lungs, flipping in front of me, and slamming my face with her foot.  Liukin began to laugh like a old Russian Babushka Woman.  The door to the Feres room burst open, and standing there, painted green, no shirt on and torn purple pants was Cystal Bustos. 

“AARRGH!  BUSTOS SMASH!” She screamed as she slammed her hand against the tile floor causing it rise up in a wave, slamming into me.  I had to get out of there, where was my monkey when I needed him.  I needed a distraction, and by the luck of the Gods, Kobe Bryant had just come around the corner to see what was going on.  Seeing all these scantily clad women, Kobe just ran for the room, that gave me what I needed to dive out the side window, falling 15 stories to the ground below.  Luckily I landed on the Olympic Mascot Jing Jing, killing it, and only leaving me with a few bumps and bruises.

I ran off into the smog filled evening, chased once again by the Chinese Police, luckily I had something this time, and the ROYTCopter plucked me out of Olympics Village, and headed for Japan.  I pulled out the laptop . . . Oh no, it had been crushed .  . 

So, here I am at the Tokyo ROYTERS office, slowly pulling data off the laptop, as I write you this update.  I will find that photo, and when I do, the world will never be the same.  I suppose, now you know why the US Women’s Softball Team lost . .

I am Malach, and soon my children, you will have that photo . .

Barack Obama “Not Into Tits”

BARACK.... SMOKES!!!

 Useless piece of shit Barack Obama said he is ‘not all that into tits’ during an interview at the Christian Strip Club in Kansas, Nebraska today.

“Naw, I ain’t into all that. Tits are for kids. I got 50 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” He took a long long drag of his mac dad cigarette, slapped a waitress’s ass, and continued. “That’s what it’s all about. Yeah, I’m an ass man.”

When asked who he thought was into tits, he thought, blackly, “El-Spitz, yo.”

DAMN!

Phelps No Longer Golden

Michael Phelps won eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics, but he no longer has any of them.  Phelps had to melt his medals and sell the gold to help pay for the U.S. Men’s Swim Team’s return flight which cost $80,000 dollars per person due to rising fuel prices.  Phelps stated that he was sad to lose the medals, but glad to get out of China.

“Sure, it sucks not to have those gold medals anymore, they were a great way to pick up some unsuspecting Chinese girl who didn’t know any better,” Phelps said in between laps at the pool, “but I can’t take this fucking place any longer.  Beijing has terrible air quality, I can barely breathe when I walk outside.  Also, I can’t access all the websites I want to even though China said they’d ease restrictions for the Olympic Games.  It’d be nice if NBC would spend less time covering my every moment and reporting on what a terrible country China is, but I guess you can’t expect the media to act like watchdogs.  They did let that whole Iraq thing happen, you know.”

Phelps did say that he had good memories of the Beijing Olympics beyond winning eight gold medals.  His favorite moment was meeting the members of the 2012 Chinese Olympic team.  He provided the following picture of the team.