Obama In Iraq, a ROYTERS Exclusive

ROYTERS NEWS – Bagdhad, Iraq

Malach doesn’t always do sports, sometimes he gets off the sports subject cause he runs into something much more important.  Malach is currently in Bagdhad putting together a feel good story on the Iraqi Olympics program.  But screw these towelheads, Obama is in town, and Malach aimed to put his interview skills up against the next President of the United States of America.

So, I left the bomb crater they were using as a soccer field, telling my guide Achmed that a big sports story came up with the Iraqi 4 X 100 Relay Swim team, and I would be leaving him here to finish this story on the soccer team.

“But, Mr. Malach, I am Illiterate.”  Poor Achmed.

“Don’t let that stop you my friend”, I said under his protests, as I jumped in my Matt-HumVee and sped off toward the Green Zone to meet with Obama.  With the pedal to the metal I sped though the back streets of this war torn city, women in Burkas bowing as I passed, men firing AK – 47’s in the air in jubilation just seeing me speed by.  According to my on board Matt-computer, Obama was leaving the green zone, and heading to Basra, I might be able to intercept his convoy, and pull him over for an ambush interview, it would be close.

“Computer, plot the quickest course to intecept.”

“Master”, she began, “to reach the target in time would put you in much danger, the quickest course in through a district under current heavy fire between coalition and “terrorist” troops.”  It is always entertaining when Computer tries to use quotes without hands.

“Just plot the course”, I yelled.

Ahh, there was the caravan, about 4 blocks away, directly through an intense firefight.

“Master the odds of surviving such a -”

“Never tell me the odds”, I interrupted!

I gunnned the Matt-HumVee, wasting precious $9 a gallon Iraqi gasoline, straight for the machine gun and rocket fire.  There was my chance.  Just before the embattled intersection, was a blown up car, if I hit is just right it could serve as a sort of ramp.

I sped up the Matt-HumVee, as much as it would give me, hit the car, and flew into the air, over the battle.  Everything was in slow motion as I flew through the air.  The firing stopped as both army guys and insurgents looked up and saw Malach fly by.  I saw tears come to their eyes as I winked and saluted.  I hit the ground running and looking behind, I saw hugging and jubilation between former foes as Malach had crossed their path.

The last vehicle in Obama’s caravan was just in front, “Sir they are aware of your presence”, computer barked at me, as a large Suv, backed off and began to weave back and forth blocking my way.  A couple of guys leaned out the windows with pistols.

“Computer, take the wheel”, I screamed!

I climbed up into the top gun port of the HumVee.  “Lock and Load!”.  I set the gun and fired into the offending vehicle, it flipped like it was driven by Lisa Lopes, and I was through, only 25 more vehicles to go.  I would have to be quick, air support would be coming soon.

I climbed back into the driver’s seat just as we left the city limits, when suddenly, one of the vehicles of the convoy took a sharp left into the desert down a sandy path as the rest of the convoy sped on.  “Computer, who is in that vehicle?”

“Analysis shows Barack Obama and several other people, including his wife Michelle,” I slammed the wheel hard and jumped onto the path, staying a distance behind the vehicle and followed it.  What was going on?

“Where is he going”, I said to no one, and put the Matt-HumVee into stealth mode, essentially making it invisible except for the dust trail it kicked up.  Eat your heart out Wonder Woman!

We stopped about and hour later, at a desert camp.  I parked the Matt-HumVee on a ridge over looking the camp, and got out.  Obama’s vehicle stopped, and out of the vehicle stepped several men in suits, obviously armed, and Obama and his wife, dressed in Arab guard.  Then men began to unload boxes out out of the back of the truck, marked with US Army logos.  Out of the tents came several people came . . . my God!  They were led by Osama Bin Laden.  Several other men with AK’s and a female dressed in a full Burka completed the part.  Michelle and Obama, went up to Bin Laden and did the ‘fist bump’.  Bin Laden began introducing his entourage.  Everyone was fist bumping, and whooping it up.  Obama was finally introduced to the woman in the Burka.  She immediately tore the Burka off, and underneath . . . it can’t be, it was Madonna fully nude!  Naked Madonna, NO WAY!

Obama and Michelle, hugged Madonna, and then Michelle gave her a passionate kiss.   Just then coming out of another tent, was none other than A-Rod in nothing more than a towel.  He fist bumped Obama, and hugged Michelle squeezing her ample booty . . . then he suddenly stopped.  He was sniffing the air.  Sniff, and would look one direction, gauge the wind, and sniff again.  He was like a Dominican Nazgul . .

“THERE!”  A-Rod screamed and pointed straight were I was, hidden in a small depression in the sand.  Everyone turned, I was found.  I got up and ran for my invisible HumVee and small arms fire began to bounce and ricochet around me.  Damn, I forget to take the cloaking off the HumVee, where the Hell did I park -  Bam, I ran straight into the back bumper.

Intense pain welled up, and all I could see was stars for a moment but noticed the gunfire suddenly stopped.  Why did it stop, they had me dead to rights? But then I saw why behind tears of pain.  There he was not dead after all, he was standing there in full Joker regalia, with a straight razor, right in front of the HumVee.  Heath Ledger.

“Wanna know how I got my scars?”  He said as he licked his lips and brandished the blade. “Why so serious?”

I had to act fast, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the HumVee’s control, and pressed and few quick keystrokes, the HumVee lurched forward, knocking Ledger to the ground, and opened it’s passenger door and I jumped in.

“NOOOOOOOO”, came a deafening monstorous scream as A-Rod, who had dropped his towel and was naked once again, came charging up the dune toward me, God he was fast, damn professional athletes.  “YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME THIS TIME!”

“Computer, get us out of here”, the Matt-HumVee shot off, with A-Rod following like a Terminator Robot.  He caught us, and grabbed the back bumper, and the Matt-Humvee lurched to a stop, the tires spinning in the sand.   I hit the jets, a gout of flame blew out the back, knocking A-Rod loose, and we sped away, losing him the the dust.  We found a cave about 20 minutes away, and I am holed up there now, sending this message to you via satellite.  The heat should die down soon, Helicopters still circle.  I am preparing a spell to summon a sand worm.  They are hard to control, but it is my only hope.

I am Malach, I risk life and limb for you fans