No means no

ROYTER’S SPORTS NEWS – Fairhaven, MA

Malach the Interview King
So, it seems Malach has become pretty popular with the Sports Fans and Athletes becuase of my interviews here at ROYTERS, so much so that people are seeking me out to do interviews.  Malach does not have time for the likes of Curt Schilling, Tony Stewart, and Greg Louganis stop calling.  He is busy.

But I did get one I could not pass up.

So the other day, I am taking pictures of my local cool as beans cemetery and awesome town library; my library by the way, will kick your libraries ass.  I am finishing up at the Millicent Library, when I get a call on my cell phone.

“Malach the Merciless?” the voice asks.

“Who wants to know?” I respond.

“Malach, this is Super Agent Scott Boras, and have I got a exclusive interview for you.” he begins.  “Meet us on Wednesday, the 9th, at the New Bedford Airport, 6PM.”

“Excuse me?  I am not your lackey there Boras, I am busy, popular guy, I got people to do, places to see.”

“Ok, ok, I will have gift certificate to Wal*Mart for you.”  Man that Boras is a killer negotiator . .

“Wal*Mart and one from Best Buy,” I demanded.

“Ok, you got it, just be there, and no reporters.”  He hung up the phone.

Cool, so Wednesday rolled around, and I took me and my wine smelling pants to the NB Regional Airport.  I got there a little early, and sat in the indoor observation area, drawing in my sketchbook.

Suddenly, a golden plane dropped out of the sky, and landed on the main runway.  A huge portrait of Boras was airbrushed on the tail, and painted on the nose was BORAS AIR EXPRESS.

A large black bus was driven up to the door of the plane, which was on the other side of my view; I suppose Boras and his entourage was loaded in; and the bus drove up to the back entrance of the airport.  The door opened and a butler looking guy climbed out and headed into the facility straight for me.

“Mr. Rubbersuitman, Mr. Boras asks you to board his vehicle.”  His accent was dutch, or maybe Indian (dot not feather).  I got up, and headed into the bus. 

Wow, this was no ordinary bus, it was more of a mansion on wheels, and sitting in a expensive couch toward the back was Boras.  I was greeted with gold fixtures, mahogany walls, and silks.  He motioned for me to sit on a couch across from him, a rich leather jobber.  I was about to speak when a beautiful blonde bimbo opened a door toward the back of the bus.  She smiled and headed out the bus’s exit and disappeared.  Boras motioned for me to go inside the door she just came out of.

I stood up and headed into the doorway . . . it headed into a long hallway with several doors on the each side, one large door at the end of the hall was open.  My god, this was like the TARDIS of buses.

“Come on honey don’t be afraid.” I heard a familiar voice from the back of the bus softly say.  That voice, I know that voice, but from where.  I headed back toward the door, which opened into a huge plush and expensive bedroom, and large heart shaped bed covered in silk sheets was in the middle of the room.  Lounging in the bed, with a bottle of Cisco, was Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez in a silk smoking jacket and not much else.

“A-ROD!?!” I exclaimed.

“Welcome Malach the Merciless, come sit down”, and he seductively patted the silk sheets on his bed, “what no assless chaps?”

“Sorry, I only wear those for the Angry Piper, and Zangief“, I answered.

“Too bad, too too bad.  Well, enough of that, you want a exclusive interview, you got me.  C-Rod is trying to ruin me, and I need to set the record straight, now take off those tight pants and come sit”, he said as he poured two glasses of Cisco.

“I will just sit here for now.” I took a seat in a nice upholstered arm chair at the foot of the bed.  A-Rod seemed a little disappointed, but handed me the Cisco.

“Let’s get this over with”, he stated, so I began the interview.

Malach (M): A-Rod, Can I call you that?

A-Rod (A): Yeah got right ahead, all the broads call me that

M: Okay, so Alex, your wife, Cynthia, is filing for divorce, citing years of infidelity, and emotional distance, how do you respond?

A:  Well, you know, Bitches ain’t shit but tricks and hoes.  Bitches can’t hang with the street.  She knew the deal, I need sex all the time, and you know, I am a Ball player, I am never around.  ALL TIME! I get my baseball powers from sex.

M: But Madonna?  First of all she was hot like in 1990, and she’s been around the block man, she got like little experiments with bacteria going on down there.

A: Yeah so what, I been with a lot of bimbos, we are trying to create a new life form, you know like if Wonder Woman and Spiderman had a kid, it would me Mad – Rod.  Why go to Mars to find life, when you can find in the Maddy’s crack?

M: So you have to have sex all the time?

A: Yeah at least twice a day, if I don’t get it my game goes all to shit.  It’s bad, worse than my playoff stats.

M: So you got to have woman all over the country then.

A: Of course, but is ain’t all women, I GOTS TO HAVE SEX!  If a hoe ain’t available, I just take whatever.  You seen Giambi’s crazy gay porn moustache?  Yeah that cause I knocked his teeth out with little A-Rod before a game.

M: Giambi?  Really?

A: It doesn’t matter, really, I just got to get my nuts off.  If I need to head off to the Bronx Zoo before a game, you know; hey your ever see their mountain gorilla exhibit?  If I needed to, I would dig up Mickey Mantle’s corpse and skull fuck that.

M: No, I have never been to the Bronx Zoo, so what do you think of some of the reports running around about you?

A: You mean that C. Rag Article?  Bitch is just mad, that I pumped her full of A-Rod Sauce the other day, and wouldn’t give her the 20 bucks she wanted.  See that stain right there (he points to the ceiling and winks).

M: You did C.Rag?

A: Yeah who hasn’t?

M: I guess it wasn’t in my ROYTERS Contract.

A: (A-Rod stand up and walks over to the chair I am sitting in, swaying seductively).  So, we gonna fuck or what?

M: Huh?

A: You heard me meat.

M: I am sorry Alex, but maybe if you were a member of the Red Sox . . .

A: Screw that, I need my juice, you want to see me bury Bonds, he had his steroids, I got my bumping uglies.  You know you want it, you want me (he began to remove his silk robe).

I was trapped, A-Rod was descending upon me like a hungry badger.  Luckily we were passing over the Fairhaven/New Bedford Bridge, I shot a quick succession of mind bullets at A-Rod.

“Ohhbaby, I love pain with my pleasure,” he moaned and reached out to grab me, holding little A-Rod.  I swept the leg, dumping him to his left “Ohh yeah, give it to me rough,” he squealed!

I immediately dove the opposite way through a tinted window. smashing throught that; cleared the bridge, and landed in the Acushnet River.  I swam toward Crow Island, and quickly looking back, I saw a naked A-Rod, standing in the broken bus window, looking very angry.  He then launched himself off the bus, dove into the water, and made a beeline straight for me, swimming like a dolphin.

Damn, professional athletes!  I focused my mind and reached out, where was he . . . there, I called, and rising out of the water . .  the 80′ long crustacean mutated by years of PCB poisoning.  It headed straight for A-Rod, grabbing him with his large crushing pincer, A-Rod looked at me, then the mutated lobster, then me again as I reached Crow Island.  I saw a little tear in his eye, and then he blew me a kiss. 

Then the most amazing sight I ever saw, A-Rod, ripped free of the Lobster, flipped it over, and then fucked it; he fucked it until it died.  My mouth dropped opened, oh how I wish I had a camera, this would be a YouPorn sensation.

Suddenly a pinstriped helicopter with a huge Yankees symbol on it’s nose flew overhead.  It lowered two men with machine guns and a cage down to the suddenly sleeping A-Rod.  They placed A-Rod in the in the cage, and raised his up, and flew off.  “YOU SAW NOTHING” a voice boomed from a loudspeaker on the Helicopter.  The Bus had disappeared down Route 6.  I was alone.  I stole a small dingy, and headed home.

I never did get those gift certificates, damn.

I am Malach and I bring you the big stories.