Republicans Upset With McCain’s Common Sense Positions

Conservative activists are planning a convention fight over the Republican Party platform this year.  Many activists are upset with Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) over his positions on global warming, immigration, stem cell research, campaign finance reform, and abortion.  Why?  Because the ideas make too much sense.  “That’s really the only problem here,” commented David Gergen of CNN, “His ideas may be right of center on some things, but they really aren’t that radical.  In fact, they are something that a lot of the country could get behind.  Republicans usually don’t do well with that.  Republicans like doing crazy things such as invading Iraq based on lies and failing to see the problems that would result from the invasion, or doing away with the estate tax on the richest people while claiming that people should make it on their own without the help of others.  You can’t expect coherent thought from these people.”

Republicans instantly proved Gergen correct.  “We can’t have a guy like John McCain up there saying that we need to have more government involvement in the environment to deal with global warming or the problems of money corrupting the political system,” said Karl Rove while masturbating on a copy of the Constitution, “We should leave this to the market system.  It has served us so well in the past.  I mean, it created the problem of global warming, surely it can solve it.  After all, the market created slavery and then did away with slavery.  Some people may say that it was moral outrage and an evolving standard of thinking recognizing slavery’s immorality and inherent unjustness, but that’s not true.  Don’t believe the facts, believe the lies of the Republican revisionist history.”

McCain’s campaign is trying to take the criticism in stride and believes that conservative dissidents will return in November.  “Sure, we have some problems,” Charlie Black noted while lobbying for corrupt African dictators, “But it’s not that bad.  Republicans are very stupid people.  They don’t like stem cell research even though it can help cure sick people.  They don’t like McCain’s immigration reform policy because it is a compromise position that attempts to unite those with divergent viewpoints on the issue.  Republicans prefer to look at things in black and white, in a way that fits with their distorted view of reality.  Just give them some time, and they’ll come back to the party regardless of what’s in the platform.  Once we get that Muslim smear and take away your guns campaign up and running, they’ll be so afraid of Obama that they’ll vote for us even if we promised to bring back the War on Poverty.  And we just might do that to distance ourselves from President Bush.”