Jesse Helms Dead

Former North Carolina Senator and all around jackass Jesse Helms died today at the age of 86. Helms led a long public career that was marked by his attempts to turn the country back to its racist, segregationist, and bitter past. During his time in the Senate, Helms would often deliver speeches in which he would note that he preferred the days when a white man could beat a black man in public for no reason at all and also that the only way to deal with a homosexual is to “fuck him in the ass with God’s truth. And by God’s truth, I mean a knife blade. We ought to be able to kill fags on site.” Helms blamed the liberal-communist-cock-in-ass-nigger-loving-media for changing America’s perfect, pre-Civil Rights society.

Helms’ tombstone will read “Not One Drop“, a reference to miscegenation rules that considered a person black if that person had just one drop of African-American blood. His family commented that the following ad will be played as his body is laid into the ground where it will stay forever and never return to haunt America with its hatred, racism, and intolerance.

Helms’ family also noted that, in accordance with his long-held racial beliefs, no African-Americans will be allowed to attend the funeral unless they are willing to work as servants.