McCain Compares Himself to Bill Clinton

As reported by CNN, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), the presumptive Republican nominee, compared his trade policies to former President Clinton as opposed to those of President Bush while speaking with reporters after a speech to law enforcement officials. McCain, when questioned by a ROYTERS reporter about the wisdom of allying himself with a Democratic President as opposed to the incumbent Republican President, the Arizona senator took the media to task for getting the facts wrong.

“I’m not a Republican, and I’m tired of you people saying that I’m a Republican!” yelled McCain while gripping his walker to keep from falling, “I had a hard-fought battle with Hillary Clinton to get the Democratic nomination! Weren’t you all paying attention? I am so tired of having to fight off these unjustified rumors that I have ties to the Republican Party. I am a Democrat, plain and simple. You all need to hire some fact-checkers. This is ridiculous, I can’t believe the people still don’t know the truth about which party I belong to.”

DNC Chairman Howard Dean instantly responded to the comments. “John McCain is smoking crack. He’s an idiot, and he’s spouting lies. He’s just doing whatever he can to hide his ties to the Republican Party. It’s pathetic. Look, Barack Obama is the nominee of the Democratic Party, don’t let anyone else tell you different. YYYYYAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Sorry about that, I had a flashback to Iowa 2004.”

The RNC issued a statement denying that John McCain has any ties whatsoever to the Republican Party and that the RNC looks forward to helping Barack Obama become the next President of the United States. Obama responded by noting that he would now be running as an independent.