Spears Keeps Obama Away

Britney Spears is managing to stay away from one of her most problematic sidekicks, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. Senator Obama, who was with Spears during her most difficult moments, and who many consider to be the root of her problems, is attempting to get back in her life right now. Ms. Spears insists that she has turned a corner and wants nothing to do with Obama. “I ain’t going back to that old life that I used to have, ya’ll!” Ms. Spears said while ignoring her children during a Social Services visit, “I ain’t going to be out late smoking dope and leaving my kids with K-Fed while having sex with strangers in my pool, ya’ll! I’m going to start singing my music again, ya’ll, and get back to what made me happy, ya’ll. That’s right, ya’ll, Britney is coming back, ya’ll!”

Barack Obama had not comment on the issue. It is possible that he will start hanging out with his other partner in crime, Paris Hilton.

Manny jus’ bein’ Manny, the Exclusive Interview

ROYTERS Sports – Fenway Park, Boston MA

Manny, Manny, Manny.  That all you could hear yesterday at the Park.  Is he getting traded?  Why is he such a petulant little child?  Manny just being Manny.  After the game, Malach headed down to the BoSox Clubhouse, deftly avoiding the visitors clubhouse; The Yankees were in town. I got there just as it was opening for the press when I was almost immediately accosted by one Manny Ramirez.

“Hey Man, you that Malach” he said.  “You funny, but Manny don’ like you las’ story, and brotha got to keep his secrets, man”, he yelled across the clubhouse.

“Sorry Manny, but I am just doing my job, what the people want and need to hear”, I answered.

Just then, Manny grabbed me by the neck, and tossed me into his locker.  “Lets step inna my office” he says; he moves a bottle of cologne which causes the back of his locker to slide up, revealing a thin metal spiral staircase.  “Down” he says, leading me by the back of the neck.

We headed down, the secret panel in his locker sliding shut, for what seemed like a very long time.  We  passed plumbing, wiring, and duct work of old Fenway Park.

“Are you taking me to Narnia?” I asked.

“Hey, Manny ain’t stupid man, you think he wouldn’t get your Alice in Wonderland  thing man?”

I decided not to correct him.  After about 5 minutes of heading straight down, we came to an old wooden door.  Is was dark down here, but suddenly light sprang forth as Manny lit a torch in the wall right next to the door.  He then reached under his uniform, and pulled out an old style skeleton key, and stuck it in the doors keyhole.  He turned it with a loud click, and still holding the scruff of my neck commanded me to open the door.

The door opened to a large stone room, richly appointed with silks, pillows, and tapestries.  The tapestries lined the room, and each had an image of Manny on them, raising his hands, pointing, and typical Manny being Manny stuff.  In the Middle of the room was a huge, ornately decorated throne, in front of the throne a Cleveland Indians director’s chair.  He motioned me to sit in the director’s chair, and donning a viking helmet (where did he get that?) he mounted the throne and sat looking down at me.

He clapped his hands, and for lack of a better term,scantily clad serving wenches entered the room with drink and food; the center piece being a huge roasted pig.  They brought in a table and set it between us, and put the food on the table; they gave me a metal stein, and filled it with a pungent brown liquid, one of the ladies also put a fur lined cloak on Manny’s shoulders while another filled his drink.  Manny took a big swig, looked at me and said “Ya gonna drink your mead, man?”

I took a sip as Manny dove into the food, eating like he hadn’t eaten is days.  He handed me a slab of meat “You gonna eat, man?  Gotta eat the swine man”

“Thank you, but Manny, why did you bring me down here?” My questioned seemed to annoy him.

“I gotta talk to you, man.  Manny is gonna give you a exclusive interview, set the record straight man”, he said though mouth fulls of food and mead.  “So, man, get out your tape recorder, and ask me a question.”

Here is the entirety of that “tape recording”.

Malach (M): Manny, you have always had this idiosyncratic behavior, your “Manny being Manny” moments if you will.  This year it has been a little worse: backhanding Youkilis, pushing the 60-year-old Travelling Secretary to the ground.  We have gotten used to the trade demands, the journeys into the wall, that type of stuff, but what about the violence?

Manny (MR):Hey man, I have always been like this (he pulls a large battle axe from under the table) but man, these guys are pissing me off.  Jack (McCormack, Red Sox Travelling Secretary), I told him what to do, Manny said “jump” and he did no ask “how high”, man.  You gotta put people like that in their place.  And Youkilis?  Who does he think he is man?  I slapped him right in his bald Jew head.  Maybe next time I will shoot him, or put him in an oven.  . . . Wanna hear a joke?

M:  Do I have a choice?

MR: What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew?  A Pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in an oven! (Manny begins to laugh uncontrollably).

M: Ok . . So, Manny, you recently came out and said you won’t block a trade if the Red Sox want to trade you, so, you want to be traded?

MR:  Yeah man, the Red Sox are no longer the good times guys.  They are all professionals now.  No more drug fueled Orgies like when Nomar and Pedro were here.  They are all a bunch of Christians now too, they won’t even let me practice my blood reading anymore.  Manny will play anywhere, but lets have some fun man.  Manny can only take so much of “Hi, I am Mike Lowell, a cancer survivor” crap, man.

M:  I got to ask you Manny, how do you see your place in the History of Baseball?

MR:  Manny is the best.  The best ever.  Come tell me different, I will mess you up man.  They pay me the big money cause I am the best.

M:  The best of all time, bar none?

MR: Yea . . . no contest man.

M:  So Manny, I have always wanted to ask you this.  What happens between innings when you go hide in the Wall?

MR:  Hey Man, Manny got to make the money.  I make snuff films back there man.  I got a whole secret room, and I send some of my guys into the stands, they kidnaps fans, y’know.  The fans are tied up, blindfolded and led back there.  They are put in this room, and stripped down to their undies, and then left there for a few innings man.  You should hear them scream.  Then about the 4th inning, Manny appears in this room, forces them into sex with him, and then usually strangles them or somethin’ like that.  We film the whole thing.  I make films and sell them underground . . . I need the money you know.

M:  What?  What happens to the bodies?

MR:  Oh, I don’t worry about that, management takes care of that.

M: You telling me that Red Sox management covers up the murders and the snuff films?

MR:  Oh yeah, and Tom Werner, yeah, he’s got all this TV experience, so he gets those films to the right distributors.  You’know the guy who did The Cosby Show, right man.  Big market for this stuff, y’know.  I need to make money.

M: I can’t believe this . . .

MR:  Hey, you want to see the room?

M: Uhh, I don’t think I am comfortable . .

MR:  You have no choice

As Manny said that several loin clothed men came out of hidden pockets in the walls, each holding a crossbow trained at my head.  “Take him up the the room.”  At that command from Manny, I was grabbed by two of the men, and dragged out a side passage, followed by 5 other crossbow men to an elevator.  It was a wide cargo elevator with a ton of buttons, and one of the men pressed a button that said “M”.  The doors slid shut and the elevator launched off at a rapid pace. 

It came to an abrupt stop a few seconds later, the doors slid open and I was what I assume under the bleachers.  There was a 30′ hallway that led to a t-intersection, a door in that intersection had “The Wall” written on it’s face. 

The armed entourage walked me toward the intersection and the door.  My goose was cooked, I would be dead by the time I mounted any offense against these dude, but luck turned my way.  As we were about the enter the intersection, and go through the door, A-Rod appeared in the hallway coming to the intersection to my left.  Evidently this hallway also led to players rides.

“Malach?” This soft tone came from A-Rod as he saw me, and my armed entourage stopped.  A-Rod dropped his bags and charged for me, trying to remove his pants as he ran.  “MAAALAAACH!” came a animalistic scream from A-Rod.   My armed entourage immediately dropped to battle position and began firing crossbow bolts at A-Rod, his pants now down around his ankles, A-Rod just swatted them away like they were baseballs in Bronson Arroyo’s glove and continued his charge (damn professional athletes), his pants now left behind in the hall.

I used this distraction to make my escape.  I grabbed one of the guys holding my arm by the testicles and ripped them clean off, he hit the ground screaming in pain.  I then whipped his amputated ball bag at the guy holding my left arm, hitting him on bridge of his nose, shattering it.  I then kicked the guy in front of me, into A-Rod as he charged, tearing loose his loin cloth.  A-Rod immediately seeing easy prey, began to have sex with this poor guy, as the rest of the men tried to beat him off their squealing comrade.  I bolted the other way, toward the parking lot as the melee ensued.

“MAAAALAAAACH!” came a scream from A-Rod as he was buried under these other men, I did not look back, as the sounds coming from that hallway were frightening.  I hit the parking lot running, and waiting out there was the Yankees chartered bus, several of the player were getting off to see what was going on, I noticed one has a cattle prod.  I bolted left avoiding the bus, and saw Mike Timlin talking to a bat boy, leaning out the door of his HumVee with the big W.sticker on it’s side.  I grabbed him, and tossed him out of the car, and took off, out onto Landsdowne Street, carjacking his vehicle and speeding away.  I took one glance out of the rear view mirror to see A-Rod bust out of the hallway, fully nude again, dragging several team mates with him, screaming like the second coming of Nyarlthotep.

I made it to I – 93, when Timlin’s Gas Guzzler ran out of gas.  I hopped off the Highway and took the T as far as Lakeville, and had one of Dr. Murk’s servants pick me up and bring me home.  What a day, another close encounter, but that is what you people expect from Malach.  I give you the ropey discharge you need.

I am Malach, and ROYTERS I want a raise.

McCain? McCain? McCain?

Ben Stein, who starred in the legendary movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, is giving out advice for the McCain campaign. Stein, the Republican economist, offered a few simple ideas to get McCain’s campaign back on the ground.

“First,” Stein said in a voice that bored the reporter to sleep, “McCain should change his party affiliation from Republican to Democrat. Second, he should change his name from ‘McCain’ to something less Republican sounding. Maybe something like ‘McClinton’. Third, he should probably stop referring to countries that don’t exist any more. Finally, it may help if he could make himself look a little younger. He looks like a bowl of moldy oatmeal right now and that won’t go well with voters. Most people hate oatmeal and mold, so combining the two together just compounds the problem. Oh, and if none of those work, he may just want to adopt all of Obama’s positions. Those seem to be pretty popular right now.”

So, You Want to Be Famous?

Don’t bother. Celebrities aren’t real. They are played by ‘life actors’. Harrison Ford was the first. They paid him to be a full time, 24 hour actor, pretending to be Harrison Ford. His real name is Melky Lippshitts and he used to work at the Purina Pickle Plant for Kids. He is a convicted felon. He has a barbed wire addiction and no penis.

Cynics Throw Election to Mickey Mouse, Cower in Fear

Washington — The nation’s cynics finally achieved their ultimate goal today by throwing the election to Mickey Mouse. Mr. Mouse had been gaining ground for decades now as more and more Americans fell under the delusion that all politicians were the same, and that the best way to express their world-view was to vote for a fictional cartoon mouse.

The leader of the Cynic Party, I.P. Freeley, was quoted as saying, “It’s been a long struggle, one we never thought we’d win, but today we finally succeeded in proving to politicians how much we hate them and how little we care for their so-called ‘democracy.’” He then wrung his hands together nervously before adding, “What the fuck just happened?” and breaking in to hysterical sobbing.

President Mouse, who is set to assume office in January, wasted no time in selecting Jerry Mouse (R-AK) as his vice president. Jerry Mouse will be the first mouse of color ever elected to the Executive branch. During a disturbing speech given on the National Mall, Mickey promised to round up all cats, whom he blames for the recent economic downturn. “These cats came here uninvited and illegally, and now they expect us to support them in their lazy, criminal lifestyles. I mean really, who the hell shits in a box of sand and expects someone else to clean up their mess? It’s time we took back America for the mice who fought so hard to gain liberty from the fascist cats of the British Empire.”

Owners have been ordered to turn in all feline pets within 72 hours so that they may be transported to concentration camps around the country, where they will be forced to construct armaments for the U.S. Government before being sterilized. “God Bless the cynics,” Mickey Mouse declared in a speech delivered in front of the Lincoln Memorial, “Their lack of faith in humanity, and ignorance regarding politics has finally allowed sociopathic mice to assume their rightful place at the top of the political chain not to mention the top of food chain. Their self-indulgent cynicism — barely above the views of shallow adolescents — has ensured the doom and destruction of all they hold dear. So today, we say, ‘God Bless the hipsters, the youth, and their childish arrogance.’ We hope they’re happy toiling miles below the Earth in our cavernous cheese mines.”

In accordance with the New Mouse platform, the Star Spangled Banner has been replaced as the national anthem with the far jauntier There Are No Cats in America. This reporter for one is awe-struck by the optimism this new leadership brings to a country full in dire trepidation.

“Welcome to the new world, you pathetic, hipster, cynical fucks. We hope you enjoy your stay in our country, but given that we are going to exterminate your beloved pets, and the fact that you will go without sunlight for six months as you mine for rare Gouda, we doubt you will.” Mickey and Jerry then proceeded to laugh maniacally for four minutes before referring to the American public as “shit heads.”

Weekend News Brief

NATIONAL –

Despite the recent wage in minimum rage, CNN.com reports that it still sucks to get by on $6 an hour. This is anything but news to people who have actually worked minimum wage jobs in the past, but pretentious rich people who spend most of their time and money fighting poverty in other countries and ignoring problems here in America were shocked by this news. This will in no way change the spending habits of this country’s pretentious rich people.

ELECTION ‘08 –

Sen. Barack Obama and Britain’s Prime Minister Gordon Brown met in London to discuss the “special relationship” between the two countries.  Sparks flew between the two men and a special relationship developed.  Obama and Brown intend to move to California where they can legally wed.

Parties Have Lots To Spend

The Republican and Democratic Parties both have a lot of money to spend on the upcoming election cycle.  The Republican Party has $105.2 million dollars and the Democratic Party has $92.1 million.  Many commentators predict that the result will be an all out brawl that could drive more voters to the polls.  Voters, however, are pissed off.  “Christ, they’ve got all that money to spend on 30 second attack-ads,” said alleged ROYTERS commentator Mike, “but we don’t have money to fix bridges, remedy the mortgage meltdown, deal with gas prices in this country, or to do anything else.  I mean, what kind of a country do we live in where we spend money on campaign advertisements every few years, but we won’t address our growing economic disaster?  If I didn’t think that Europeans were a bunch of self-righteous douchebags, I’d agree with them hating us.”

Dr. Murk, Mike’s lover, agreed.  “This is why people like me don’t vote for major party candidates.  Well, that and the fact that I’m a convicted felon.  But if I could vote, I wouldn’t vote for the two-party tools.  They are part of the corrupt system that constantly talks about fixing problems but only succeeds in making the problems worse.  But I have a solution to this problem, vote Murk and Malach ‘08!  It’s time to give the French-Canadians a chance!”

Republicans and Democrats have been unfazed by the criticism and vowed to continue not solving the problem of high gas prices in this country.  They did, however, manage to pass a bill prohibiting French-Canadians named Murk and Malach from running for President.

Ahmadinejad Disputes Presence of Gays in Iraq

Just as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denied the existence of homosexuals in Iran, he issued a forceful denial of the existence of homosexuals in Iraq.  Responding to a story on CNN.com about an Iraqi man who was raped for a period of over two weeks for being gay, Ahmadinejad delivered a blistering denial.

“This man, he is a soulless liar.  He is not an Iraqi, but an American sent over to gay-up the youth and destroy our Muslim culture.  His true name is Charles Nichols.  You cannot believe him, he has no beard and wears no windbreakers.  Homosexuality exists only in Western Europe because of the Pope.  You cannot believe this man.  You can, however, believe me.  I am truly trustworthy.  I tell you the truth about the Holocaust not existing and spend time with honorable people like David Duke.  I also tell you about the evil that the Jews spread through the world.  So, I tell you there are no gays in Iraq or Iran.  You can believe me, I am full of truthiness.”

Human rights activists disagreed with Ahmadinejad.  Brandon Montgomery, leader of Gays Worldwide: Unite!, said the following in an interview about the topic.  “I just don’t get where this guy is coming from.  There is no quesiton that homosexuals are in Iraq and Iran and that they are horribly mistreated and suffer greatly.  This guy is an idiot who should be wiped off the face of the earth.  He also has terrible fashion sense.  He needs Carson from Queer Eye to come straighten him out.  I’ll tell you, Mahmoud is the most in denial gay I’ve ever seen.  I’ll send my girls over to get him straightened out, though, and we’ll resolve this problem.  He’ll be a lucky pierre in no time!”

Hi I am Amy Winehouse!

And once upon a time, I didn’t even know what crack was.  But then I found that great Hollywood beauty secret: It improved my beauty, made me Ms. Personality, and I lost 80lbs.

You too can enjoy the secret of my diet/lifestyle success.  Just send me five dollah, I will send you some crack, and you will on your way.

Not only will crack make you look as sexy and thin as me, it will also improve your personality and sexual potency ten fold.  You will be all the rage, and get tons of attention as your personality comes through where ever you go.  It will make your eye lashes more lush, your eyes more luminous, your hair more bouncy, and will dull the pain for those sexy tattoos.  It will brighten up your smile, and clear your complexion. Ladies, I am talking to you, if you want a great man like my husband, you need Crack!

Crack saved my career.

New Zealand Prevents Parents From Naming Children

The New Zealand Parliament passed a law requiring state approval before parents can name their children.  The government decided to take action after a court made a nine year-old girl, named Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii, a ward of the state so that she could change her name.  Wonky-Woo-Woo-Shabadoo, Zew Zealand’s Prime Minister, said that decades of strange names are enough, and that no child should have to suffer through embarrassing names ever again.  In a press conference, he condemned the parents for the name.  “What the hell kind of a name is that?  Did they want their kid to be some kind of a stripper?  Christ!  What the fuck is wrong with you fuckjobs?  Lay off the Fosters and think straight!  Now that we have all this behind us, can we please get back to exploiting the popularity of the Lord of the Rings movies?  Thank you!”

The leader of the child advocacy group, Sensible Adult-type Names for Everyone (SANE), agreed.  Mrs. Hee-Bee-Gee-Bee-Madonna-Naked-Look-A-Like, agreed.  “No longer will children have to deal with complicated names that are hard to pronounce and hard to spell.  No child will have to spend three hours, like Roger-Scott-Franklin-Legolas-Gimli-Tom-Bombadillo-The-Pogues-Survivor-Seven-Star-Trek-Deep-Space-Nine-Sisko-Odo-Quark-McGee, filling out their names on standardized tests.  No child will have to go without a name card on their desks in elementary school because the teacher’s hand permanently cramped inward while writing out the child’s name.  Also, teachers will no longer have to guess at what to call a child, and professors will finally be able to resume their habit of calling on students by their last name without taking 45 seconds of precious class time to do so.  The dream that New Zealand has held for so long is finally coming true.”