Media Decries Partisanship, Remembers Better Days

Washington – The media continued its drum roll for an era of “post-partisanship,” on Friday, rolling out their official spokesman on the topic, Mr. Olds, a longtime voter, former journalist, and fond rememberer of the way things used to be better than they are now. “I remember in my days, politicians never disagreed about anything. The only partisan fighting was over whether it was more appropriate to bless America or to love America. Everyone knew where they stood, and if some of them stood at the back of the bus, well, then that was just the way it was. I don’t remember any complaining. And I certainly don’t remember the government fighting over such matters. So why can’t our government today get to the business of the American people instead of this constant partisan bickering? Bunch of no good, fruity, 60s liberal punks ruining everything, I say! I remember when five reels of Chaplin only cost a nickel! A nickel goddamit!”

Democratic spokesman Harold Lloyd responded:

The American media, in particular Mr. Olds, has now, and will continue to be, the bottom feeding ass hats of the nation. Exactly what is it the media wants to address? We’re addressing Iraq, the economy, the environment — this continued call for post-partisanship is not grounded in reality. The two parties are divided by ideology. It is this ideological divide which is the root cause of partisanship, not some desire on either party’s part to simply ignore the concerns of the American people. I find it highly ironic that the same media which loves to rake political figures over the coals for so-called “flip flops” or “lack of principles,” then somehow expects us to magically erase centuries of political thought, and to address non-specific issues with non-specific solutions. It’s really easy to call for this kind of change, when you don’t actually have to propose a solution. Partisanship has always existed in this country. I don’t know what country Mr. Olds is talking about, but I’m pretty sure it existed in family television programs, not out in the streets of America.

Ironically, the media’s continued dismay at the partisan nature of politics has managed to unite the two parties, if only briefly. From a press release by the RNC:

We agree with our Democratic counterparts that the media are all a bunch of scum sucking low-lifes. If we didn’t need them to trick the American people into voting for us, we’d never even talk to them. Frankly, we resent having to attend ritzy galas, and blow smoke up their asses just for the opportunity to lie in their newspapers and television programs. We’re completely capable of creating our own newspapers and television stations. We’ve achieved remarkable success with both the Washington Times and the Fox News Network. In another few years, perhaps we’ll be able to unite with the Democrats to pass a bill to send all our major media figures out on an ice float. In the meantime, I guess both parties are just going to have to suck it up and keep laughing at David Broder’s virulently disgusting party jokes. Seriously, that guy’s got a mouth like a sailor’s crotch.

Despite this resistance by member’s of both parties, the media remain firmly entrenched against Washington politics. “Look, we know what we want, and what we want is government without politics. Is that so much to ask?”

When reached for comment, the American people said, “Look, we know what we want, and what we want is an extra page of Suduku puzzles in Sunday papers, and back-to-back episodes of How I Met Your Mother on Mondays, is that so much to ask? Can’t the government do something about that?”