Democratic Unity

The Democratic Party has been desperate to unify its shattered elements after a long, bitter, and divisive primary struggle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.  While Hillary and Obama have been mending fences of late, there still appears to be a great deal of division between former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Obama.  After a meeting with Hillary’s fundraisers, Hillary and Obama made a joint-statement to assure Democrats that all transgressions have been forgotten and that Bill Clinton and Obama have buried their differences.

“Sen. Obama, Bill, and I engaged in the ultimate act of unity last night in front of some of my top donors,” said Hillary Clinton with a big smile on her face, “We had a devil’s three-way for about three hours.  It was, without question, one of the most satisfying experiences of my life.  Barack is a tender lover, and he was attentive to all my needs.  Even more important, he was willing to really let Bill know that he was sorry for attacking his legacy.  He really let Bill go to town on him and took it like a man.  I think that my donors seeing our act of love made clear that Obama is just the man this country needs to be President.”

“I know that a lot of people would think that a devil’s three-way is not the sort of thing that a presidential candidate should engage in,” said Obama while walking with his legs extended at an unusual angle, “but this campaign is all about change and shaking things up in Washington.  And I think that my willingness to engage in a devil’s three-way in front of total strangers demonstrates just how committed I am to change.  How many people in this country can say that they would be willing to engage in a sexual act with Hillary and Bill at the same time?  This proves once and for all that we’re ready to unite and bring this party together.”

Many were surprised by Obama and the Clintons taking this act to try and unify the party.  “It’s only been three weeks since the primaries ended, and the convention is still a long way off, so I don’t quite see what they expect to obtain from this act,” commented David Gergen of CNN, “You would think that Mr. and Mrs. Obama writing personal checks to pay down the debt would be enough, but I guess that they just wanted to make everything clear to everyone.  I don’t know, though, this is kind of creepy.”

David Axelrod, in an exclusive interview with ROYTERS, echoed some of Gergen’s concerns.  “We really had no choice but to take this action.  The media has been harping about how the Democratic Party has been falling apart at the seams as a result of the primary fight, so we needed to do something.  Apparently, Hillary’s quick endorsement of Obama, the appearance at Unity, NH, Hillary and Obama meeting with her supporters to get them all on board to unite behind the nominee is not enough to get the media to stop running stories about the Democratic Party imploding, so we needed to take bold and change-like action to make clear just how united the Party is.”

In a related story, Sen. John McCain offered to personally have sex with fundamentalist religious leaders in order to help unite the Republican Party.  The campaign hired Ted Haggard to set up meetings between McCain and disaffected Republicans.