Royters News Exclusive Interview with the World Champion Boston Celtics

ROYTERS SPORTS – BOSTON, MA

Hey buckos, Malach the Merciless here, with my exclusive interview with the entire 2008 NBA Champion Boston Celtics.  We sat yesterday at the local Boston Market.  Place was packed, and fans just wanted to touch the stars, but Malach had hired the Angry Piper security team, and they had their Tae Kwon Do kicks, and windshields at the ready, keeping the crowd at bay.

“WE LOVE YOU MALACH!” the crowd was fiesty.  I know, but I have a job to do, I make the big bucks bitches.  Hold them back!

So there we are, Malach, his security entourage, sitting around the biggest table at Boston Market with gigantic men (a dream for C. Rag).  It was a large round table, and all 15 members of the team just barely fit around.

We began our exclusive interview, and hush fell over the crowd.

Malach: Ok before we begin, I have this (holds up a black plastic garbage bag).  Sam Cassell, you need to put this over your head, I can’t take you looking at me any more with those alien features of yours.

Cassell: Hey no problem bro, I had to do this for for Van Gundy; in fact we both wore bags, just in case one of our fell off; I can surely do this for Malach.  Is that better master?

Malach:  Wonderful you are a good boy.  Now, where to begin . . . Brian Scalabrine.  I was doing some analysis of the playoff series, and noticed your play.  You see, you guys had some trouble with Atlanta, and in one aspect it helped you to grow a bit, but the Scal here, he came through, he made this rap before the Cleveland Series, and the rest was history.  Who says you got to touch the ball!

Scal:  hey thanks, I’d like to think that was a bit of a turnin -

Paul Pierce: Hey, don’t let Scal do this, if not for that rap to inspire us, I don’t go off, and we don’t win.  We used that for the rest of the playoffs, just rerecording Lebron with another name, y’know, Tashawn, Chauncy, Kobe, Pau, even Luke Walton, WEST SIIIIIIIDE!

Kevin Garnet: Man, oh man, oh man, oh man.  I DID IT MOM!  I GOT ONE!  YOU PROUD OF ME?  AUUUUUGH!  HOLY SHIT!  I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!

Cassell: Guys what’s going on?

Malach:  KG is still going nuts -

Ray Allen:  Yeah, he hasn’t slept in like three weeks now, and he just keeps screaming, and then dumping -WHOA (KG Dumps a bottle of Champagne over Ray Allen).  KG, stop it, I keep having to buy more clothes!

KG: MAN, I KNOCKED THAT BULLIES ASS OUT! FUCK YEAH! SWEET RELIEF!

Malach:  Uh, what is Greg Dickerson doing here?

Greg Dickerson: Malach, I got to tell you, if it wasn’t for me, my amazing sideline reporting, my encouragment, you know, taking off my pants when it mattered most – (suddenly KG picks up Dickerson like a 6 year old, and begins jumping around the resturant yelling something about Bill Russell).

Pierce:  Yeah, Greg is like a mascot now, were gonna get him to dress up as Lucky next year, but for now, we are just gonna enjoy this.  CPT MAN!

Malach: So Paul (Malach pics up a knife and begins to cut his chicken) how does this win make you feel?  Does this validate your career?  In your mind, does the world now see how good Paul Pierce really is?

Pierce:  What’s with the knife?

Cassell: Who’s got a knife, guys I can’t see!

Malach:  Oh this?  This is a letter opener, see (Malach opens a letter, begins to read).  Hey Posey, this is the new contract offer Ainge just sent over.

James Posey: Is it that $12 million a year for 6 years I wanted?

Eddie House:  You better not get that, did you see those three pointers I buried.  Right in your face Kobe!  I deserve at least a couple mil and a couple more years than that.

Garnett: (still bouncing Dickerson like a toddler) WHO’S YOUR DADDY!  DADDY WON!  MANOMANOMANOMAN!  YOU LOOK GOOD GIRL! (he is bouding about the resteraunt, Dickerson under one arm, dumping sodas on the patrons).  I AM THE HOST WITH THE MOST! WE BEAT THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS! SMELL IT!

Glenn Davis: DUDE, I’m starving, can I order yet?

Malach: Ohh, sorry Big Baby, I forgot about your condition, go for it! PJ Brown, I am so happy for you, are you going to retire?

PJ: Damn straight, I’m tired, I’m older than you.

Gabe Pruitt: Shut old man! 

Malach:  Who the Hell are you?  You on the team? And what’s with all the strife?  You guys just won a title!

Pruitt:  Sorry, I am just practicing for when I take over point guard next year.

Cassell: Hey, something wet just hit me!

Rajon Rondo:  What?  Did you see me in that last game?  Even Phil Jackson said I was a star.  I wonder if he rollerskates. . .

Malach: That reminds me.  Rajon, my mother is in love with you . . .

Rondo: Really, are you sure it is not your dad?

Dickerson: (Still under Garnett’s arm) I love you Rajon!

Kendrick Perkins: What the Hell!  THAT NOT A FUCKING FOUL!  WHAT ARE YOU BLIND!

Malach: I see you got Perkins trained. Kendrick, you became a beast this year, how much of that was influence from KG?

Perkins: YOUR BLIND, THAT WAS NO GODDAMN FOUL!

Scott Pollard:  Hey big guy, let’s go make a cake, I made a cake.  Planet Pollard baby.

Malach:  Hey Pollard, here I brought you something (Malach hands Pollard some PCP).

Pollard: (Grabs it) Guys, I gotta go potty, be back!

Garnett:  WHOOOOOOBABY!  POLLARD GOTTA TAKE A SHIT, ALL OVER KOBE!  I DID IT! I GOT MY OWN (Garnet is now behind the counter dumping Boston Market sides on the employees, screams of pain and joy erupt).  LICK IT KOBE!  SMELL IT!  OHMANOHMANOHMAN!

Cassell:  I wish I could see the joy on all their faces.

Crowd: DEFENSE! DEFENSE! DEFENSE! DEFENSE!

Eddie House:  Hey you gonna ask me any questions?

Malach: Whoops, I forgot you were there sitting on the bench, I’ll get to you eventually!

Ray Allen:  This was great, It was so exciting to win one finally! You know I was in a movie with Denzel Washington?

Leon Powe: Yeah, great win , especially since I was homeless.

Malach: Currently?

Powe: Oh no, but I am thinking about doing that again . . I brought us luck.

Rondo: (Begins to sing) . . . I got a brand new pair of rollerskates . . .

Dickerson: I got a brand new key . .

Rondo and Dickerson: I think that we should get together and
Try them on to see . .

Cassell:  Guys, it’s hot in here.

Crowd: BEAT LA! BEAT LA! BEAT LA! BEAT LA! BEAT LA!

Garnett: (Has emptied the rotisserie ovens, and is tossing chickens all over the place).  WE FUCKING WON!  WE BEAT THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS! (he then tosses Dickerson in the empty oven).  HOW HOT IS THAT, AS HOT AS THE CELTICS BABY! 

Tony Allen: Yo man, I got skills, did you see me in the playoffs

Malach: not really . . .

GARNETT:  WE WON! I AIN’T EVER GONNA SLEEP AGAIN!  AAUUUUUUUUGH! (Suddenly Garnett’s head explodes)

Cassell: What hell just happened?

Crowd: GINO!

Malach:  Well, this has been the ROYTERS NEWS SERVICES SPORTS EDITION bringing your an exclusive all team interview of your champion Boston Celtics, this place is going nuts!  I need to get out of here.  Don’t forget you can buy this exclusive Stool Sample Webcomics Championship Tee.

#17 Ubuntu
by

Malach

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