Congress Passes Sponsorship Legislation

Washington — With overwhelming bi-partisan support, the United States Congress passed a bill today that will grant private firms the ability to sponsor government buildings. In the lead-up to the vote, corporate giants were lobbying for the chance to sponsor many of the nation’s most famous government landmarks. As of August 31st, the U.S. Capitol Building will be rechristened the Sprint-Nextel Capitol Building.

The bill was widely opposed by government watchdogs and consumer advocate groups who declared that the proposal amounted to “Congressmen laying down and letting corporate giants shit in their mouths, and the mouths of the American people.” However, these interest groups were far outmatched by a better financed and better connected corporate lobby.

“If anything, these so called watch guards of public integrity displayed the absolute failure of their radical, anti-American ideology when they could not secure even 40 votes to guard against passage in the Senate,” said Megacorp CEO Bill Lastings. “Americans have always held a special place in their heart for overt corporate propaganda. Look at Minute Maid Park in Houston, or the Winston Cup, or any of the hundred other ways corporations inject happiness into our lives every day. The opponents of this bill have been trying to pass a false history off on the American people, and in a victory for each and every man, woman, and child in this country, they were soundly defeated this week. I’m also pleased to announce that the Lincoln Memorial will soon be known as ‘Megacorp Presents the Lincoln Memorial.’ We’re even adding in digital screens that will run twenty four hours a day, and we’re retro-fitting the Lincoln statue with state of the art animatronics so that instead of just looking at a lifeless piece of stone, children can actually watch as Lincoln extols the virtues of the American ideal… and Megacorp Corporation.”

Not all sponsorship proposals have met with such quick acceptance. Porno giant Vivid Entertainment’s talks to sponsor the Washington Memorial have met with opposition from religious conservatives. “All we’re talking about is making obvious what we’ve all known for years: the Washington Monument is a massive dick sitting on the National Mall. Vivid is prepared to ensure the integrity of this structure for the foreseeable future by encasing it in a flesh-colored latex based shell that will accurately depict the male form. We’ve even got a robust head for the top which will shelter the monument from rogue airplanes,” said Bob Vinti, VP of Customer Outreach for Vivid.

When asked whether an enormous, anatomically accurate dildo placed on the National Mall was appropriate for Washington’s family friendly tourism, Vinti replied, “Hey, you show me a little boy or girl that doesn’t want to ride an elevator fifty stories up the shaft of a human penis, and I’ll show you a terrorist sympathizer.”

Congressmen claim the sponsorship proposal will save Americans as much as $500 million dollars in annual maintenance costs. “Ultimately, this is about the American worker, and allowing him to keep more of his hard earned money at home, rather than send it to sleazy Washington politicians who are only too happy to sell off his government piece by piece to faceless, and unaccountable corporations,” said Arizona Republican Rick Renzi, the bill’s author, “and, if I say so myself, that is a win-win for Washington and the American people.”