Manny just being Manny?

ROYTERS SPORTS NEWS – Fenway Park, Boston Ma.

As I am here waiting to question The Red Sox Baseball Ops regarding the latest incident of “Manny just being Manny”, I am about to blow a case wide open on the Sox slugger.  I reveal here for the first time the information I have come across, that will change the attitude of the all the Manny apologists, or maybe not . .

So, I got off the T at the Kenmore stop, and began the short walk to Fenway, fiddling with my ROYTERS press credentials.  As I took my walk down Brookline Ave, and about to turn onto Yawkey Way, some small guy in a trechcoat called out . . “PSSST, Malach the Merciless”.

I was a leery, 90 degree weather humid, short guy in a trenchcoat, but I figured he was close enough to cast Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter on him if he was a Catholic Preist and make my escape.  I headed over the figure, who stood outside The Cask and Flagon.

“Mr. Merciless, from the ROYTERS News Service?”

I nodded in assent.

“Mr. Merciless, I have some information, your might be very interested in, let us step inside and have a drink.”  He said with a slight smile.

“I don’t drink, bucko, and how do I know you won’t try anything?”

“Fine, fine, take this.” he said, handing me a sweat stained manila envelope that smelled slightly of body odor.  I looked at the envelope, and it was written on the front in the return address “4th Grade, Greendale School, Franklin Park NJ 08852″.  I continued to read the mailing address “Malach the Merciless, ROYTERS News Service, WordPress.com”.

“What is this -” I began, but the figure had disappeared.

I went into the Cask and Flagon and ordered my usual, a Manhattan cocktail, and opened the envelope.  Out spilled pictures, and a 300 page manifesto type of document.  The pictures were strange, they were all crime scene photos, photos of Manny and his moments, and then there was one strange photo . .  Manny Ramirez as . .

Wow, that absolutley blew my mind . . . I began to read the document enclosed, but it was in Spanish.  Luckily Malach is good friends with Ah Puch, who translated the text for me.

The 300 pages rambled on a bit about hitting the baseball, it’s kinship with murdering young people, codes and ciphers, and it relationship to running out pop flies and selling gas grills.

In the summary, the writer goes on to admit that he is Manny Rameriz, AKA, The Zodiac Killer, and until as time as Latinos everywhere rise up and hit for the cycle, the killngs will eventual continue when he gets back around to it.

I was floored . . Manny, the Zodiac Killer . . I can’t wait for this press conference.  I ordered my 8th Manhattan and just stared at this picures some: Dead people, Manny’s 500th, blood, Manny taking a swipe at Youkilis, bullet holes in head, Manny raise his hands after a homerun, it all made sense now. 

The press conference is about to start.

I am Malach, just being Malach.

Digging for Fire

There’s a place in Alaska we’d all like to go. Anwar. Alaska is FUN. If you’re a psychoctic nerd like me, you know all about Alaska from watching Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers, It’s Tougher in Alaska, Survivorman, and the movies Insomnia and Mystery Alaska. Oh, and that one episode of Cops in Juno and the commercials for Alaskan Cruises.

What you might not know is how much OIL is there!!!!! This is AWESOME!!!!

In May of 2008 the Energy Information Administration said the following stuff:

“The opening of the ANWR 1002 Area to oil and natural gas development is projected to increase domestic crude oil production starting in 2018. In the mean ANWR oil resource case, additional oil production resulting from the opening of ANWR reaches 780,000 barrels per day in 2027 and then declines to 710,000 barrels per day in 2030. In the low and high ANWR oil resource cases, additional oil production resulting from the opening of ANWR peaks in 2028 at 510,000 and 1.45 million barrels per day, respectively. Between 2018 and 2030, cumulative additional oil production is 2.6 billion barrels for the mean oil resource case, while the low and high resource cases project a cumulative additional oil production of 1.9 and 4.3 billion barrels, respectively.” ^[23]),

The report also says:

“Additional oil production resulting from the opening of ANWR would be only a small portion of total world oil production, and would likely be offset in part by somewhat lower production outside the United States. The opening of ANWR is projected to have its largest oil price reduction impacts as follows: a reduction in low-sulfur, light crude oil prices of $0.41 per barrel (2006 dollars) in 2026 for the low oil resource case, $0.75 per barrel in 2025 for the mean oil resource case, and $1.44 per barrel in 2027 for the high oil resource case, relative to the reference case.” ^[24])

Well roll me over and give me a Prison Massage!

Here’s a country we don’t have to invade: Alaska!. It was once part of Russia or Canada and Japan invaded it for a bit but now we own it! WOO HOO!

Now, don’t get all environmental on me. We need oil. It’s either this or we kill the Saudis via Israel. Think inside the box, man. There’s OIL inside the box!

But don’t take my word for it…

BREAKING NEWS: They tried to make me go to the wedding chapel.. I said yes yes

Every now & then when the celebs are in rehab & everything else is going slow here in the U.S.A., Royters turn to that little island that gave birth to us that we have now put in the retirement home were they belong.

Prince William the son of the late Princess Di, whose death was only out shone on US cable news with the death of Anna Nicole Smith & Tim Russert, recently turned 26. Many rumors have been swirling that Prince William will marry his long time girlfriend Kate Middleton.  Our British freelance photographer, Kitty, got these exclusive photos to show that Wills’ true love is Amy Winehouse.

The shocking news of the two timing Prince led Kate Middleton to fly down to South Africa to confront Amy Winehouse at Mandela’s birthday celebration.  Kate English Rose Middleton fucked Amy Winehouse up.  These events caused the Prince to come forward with the truth of his love for the troubled & ill singer.  The Prince sent out this statement:

Amy & I are lovers.  She has gone through a lot & I love her no matter what illness or drugs she has or will face tomorrow.  I meet Amy through our love of water polo & baby mice.  When the obstacles are out of our way we will marry & have beautiful babies.

This caused a fury at Buckingham Palace considering Amy Winehouse is married to her jailed husband & more importantly is Jewish.  Some people are embracing this love story.  They have already made the engagement tea cups.

Good luck, my British brethren!  I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage and a quality supply of designer drugs!

P.S. Wills, get her tested STAT!

P.P.S. Amy, you may want to lay off the drugs.  It gets hard to stop using once you get preggers.  I know.

Media Decries Partisanship, Remembers Better Days

Washington – The media continued its drum roll for an era of “post-partisanship,” on Friday, rolling out their official spokesman on the topic, Mr. Olds, a longtime voter, former journalist, and fond rememberer of the way things used to be better than they are now. “I remember in my days, politicians never disagreed about anything. The only partisan fighting was over whether it was more appropriate to bless America or to love America. Everyone knew where they stood, and if some of them stood at the back of the bus, well, then that was just the way it was. I don’t remember any complaining. And I certainly don’t remember the government fighting over such matters. So why can’t our government today get to the business of the American people instead of this constant partisan bickering? Bunch of no good, fruity, 60s liberal punks ruining everything, I say! I remember when five reels of Chaplin only cost a nickel! A nickel goddamit!”

Democratic spokesman Harold Lloyd responded:

The American media, in particular Mr. Olds, has now, and will continue to be, the bottom feeding ass hats of the nation. Exactly what is it the media wants to address? We’re addressing Iraq, the economy, the environment — this continued call for post-partisanship is not grounded in reality. The two parties are divided by ideology. It is this ideological divide which is the root cause of partisanship, not some desire on either party’s part to simply ignore the concerns of the American people. I find it highly ironic that the same media which loves to rake political figures over the coals for so-called “flip flops” or “lack of principles,” then somehow expects us to magically erase centuries of political thought, and to address non-specific issues with non-specific solutions. It’s really easy to call for this kind of change, when you don’t actually have to propose a solution. Partisanship has always existed in this country. I don’t know what country Mr. Olds is talking about, but I’m pretty sure it existed in family television programs, not out in the streets of America.

Ironically, the media’s continued dismay at the partisan nature of politics has managed to unite the two parties, if only briefly. From a press release by the RNC:

We agree with our Democratic counterparts that the media are all a bunch of scum sucking low-lifes. If we didn’t need them to trick the American people into voting for us, we’d never even talk to them. Frankly, we resent having to attend ritzy galas, and blow smoke up their asses just for the opportunity to lie in their newspapers and television programs. We’re completely capable of creating our own newspapers and television stations. We’ve achieved remarkable success with both the Washington Times and the Fox News Network. In another few years, perhaps we’ll be able to unite with the Democrats to pass a bill to send all our major media figures out on an ice float. In the meantime, I guess both parties are just going to have to suck it up and keep laughing at David Broder’s virulently disgusting party jokes. Seriously, that guy’s got a mouth like a sailor’s crotch.

Despite this resistance by member’s of both parties, the media remain firmly entrenched against Washington politics. “Look, we know what we want, and what we want is government without politics. Is that so much to ask?”

When reached for comment, the American people said, “Look, we know what we want, and what we want is an extra page of Suduku puzzles in Sunday papers, and back-to-back episodes of How I Met Your Mother on Mondays, is that so much to ask? Can’t the government do something about that?”

Weekend News Brief

ELECTION 2008 –

Sen. Gordon Smith (R-OR) is running political ads touting his work with Democratic Sen. Barack Obama to improve gas mileage in an attempt to trick voters into thinking that he’s not a Republican. He is also running ads stating that he, in fact, is a Democrat, has been a Democrat, will always be a Democrat, and that the Democrats are running a smear campaign to make voters think that he is a Republican.

Smith, seeing a boost from the ad, has announced further plans to distance himself from the Republican Party. At his next four campaign rallies, he will burn President Bush in effigy and urinate on the charred remnants of the President’s face while singing The Flight of the Valkyries.

INTERNATIONAL –

The South African nation of Zimbabwe conducted a peaceful, calm, and orderly runoff election Friday. International observers were impressed with the way that Mugabe cracked down on gangs of thugs in order to guarantee that all Zimbabweans could vote their conscience. The United Nations has pledged additional financial support to the struggling African country as a result.

Democratic Unity

The Democratic Party has been desperate to unify its shattered elements after a long, bitter, and divisive primary struggle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.  While Hillary and Obama have been mending fences of late, there still appears to be a great deal of division between former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Obama.  After a meeting with Hillary’s fundraisers, Hillary and Obama made a joint-statement to assure Democrats that all transgressions have been forgotten and that Bill Clinton and Obama have buried their differences.

“Sen. Obama, Bill, and I engaged in the ultimate act of unity last night in front of some of my top donors,” said Hillary Clinton with a big smile on her face, “We had a devil’s three-way for about three hours.  It was, without question, one of the most satisfying experiences of my life.  Barack is a tender lover, and he was attentive to all my needs.  Even more important, he was willing to really let Bill know that he was sorry for attacking his legacy.  He really let Bill go to town on him and took it like a man.  I think that my donors seeing our act of love made clear that Obama is just the man this country needs to be President.”

“I know that a lot of people would think that a devil’s three-way is not the sort of thing that a presidential candidate should engage in,” said Obama while walking with his legs extended at an unusual angle, “but this campaign is all about change and shaking things up in Washington.  And I think that my willingness to engage in a devil’s three-way in front of total strangers demonstrates just how committed I am to change.  How many people in this country can say that they would be willing to engage in a sexual act with Hillary and Bill at the same time?  This proves once and for all that we’re ready to unite and bring this party together.”

Many were surprised by Obama and the Clintons taking this act to try and unify the party.  “It’s only been three weeks since the primaries ended, and the convention is still a long way off, so I don’t quite see what they expect to obtain from this act,” commented David Gergen of CNN, “You would think that Mr. and Mrs. Obama writing personal checks to pay down the debt would be enough, but I guess that they just wanted to make everything clear to everyone.  I don’t know, though, this is kind of creepy.”

David Axelrod, in an exclusive interview with ROYTERS, echoed some of Gergen’s concerns.  “We really had no choice but to take this action.  The media has been harping about how the Democratic Party has been falling apart at the seams as a result of the primary fight, so we needed to do something.  Apparently, Hillary’s quick endorsement of Obama, the appearance at Unity, NH, Hillary and Obama meeting with her supporters to get them all on board to unite behind the nominee is not enough to get the media to stop running stories about the Democratic Party imploding, so we needed to take bold and change-like action to make clear just how united the Party is.”

In a related story, Sen. John McCain offered to personally have sex with fundamentalist religious leaders in order to help unite the Republican Party.  The campaign hired Ted Haggard to set up meetings between McCain and disaffected Republicans.

Classic ROYTERS

ROYTERS started out on on my first blog, which I had through blogger.  At that point, I didn’t have very many readers, but I’ve slowly expanded my dominance of the blogging world and have more readers than I used to.  As such, I’m going to take this opportunity to re-post some of the earliest ROYTERS posts from the old blog.

Here is the post that started it all, “Shock (Not Awe)”, first aired 4/16/06.

ROYTERS –
The American public is expressing shock at recent reports that the United States may consider a nuclear strike against Iran, but not for the reasons that you may think.
“I think what surprises most people is that the Bush Administration actually has a plan,” said Donna Brazile, a well-known Democratic strategist who ran Al “I am Fucking Boring” Gore’s 2000 presidential campain. Despite Gore’s massive flaw, being Al Gore, Brazile actually led Gore to a victory in the popular vote.
Bob Barr, a former Congressman, well-known racist, and general hypocrite agreed.
“This is a pretty detailed and sensible plan, and I have to say that I am surprised. I mean, they couldn’t put a plan together for Iraq, and they actually invaded that country, but they put a plan together for this? Well, maybe history is done repeating itself.”
The Bush Administration was expected to express outrage at Barr’s comments, but White House Spokesman Scott McClellan backed the former Klansman.
“Look, we fucked up in Iraq, we fucked up big. I mean, we thought that if we went in there and gave the Iraqis the chance to dye their fingers after voting and worship Jesus, then they would become junior Americans. But we were wrong. Those people have a totally fucked up culture that turns out to be completely different from America’s. Who knew? Well, after that fuck up, we decided that we should actually spend some time planning, you know, for when we invade Iran. Uh, wait, I mean, if we invade Iran. Good, that ought to cover it up. But how the hell can this dumb-shit media not have figured out that we are going to invade Iran? I mean, we already invaded two countries that bookend the glass factory. Damn, the media is fucking stupid. The American people, too.
“Wait, did I just say all that out loud?”
The White House Press Corps was not taking any notes at that time, so McClellan’s statements are not expected to get too much air time, according to Howard Kurtz, host of CNN’s “Reliable Sources,” the only news show that constantly points out how full of shit the media can be at times (or always is).
“I can’t understand for a fucking minute why more people aren’t going to play this!” Kurtz yelled, “I mean, Jesus Christ, you have an Administration saying that the American people are a bunch of fucking retards and the media won’t play it because they’re afraid it will make them look bad for not noticing it at the time? What the fuck? Maybe this actually shows how incompetent our media is!”

Election ‘08: A Bad Idea

As I was sitting here in my study, I came upon an idea. Let’s cancel the ‘08 Presidential election. No, I am not advocating keeping King George. Here’s my plan.

We hire a General Manager. Let’s say Colin Powell. He fires Bush, cuts a few congressional leaders and puts a few Supreme Court Justices on the waiver wire. We draft some new political blood. A nice blend with some chemistry. We showcase them, and then make a few trades.

Once the rebuilding of America is underway, we have a free popular vote election for President. General Powell sets the framework up and the new President manages the Executive Branch, and Congress plays team defense and lets its role players make the key plays, until the game is on the line. Then, we bring in the Starting Lineup. The Clutch Foreign Diplomat. The Legislating Mastermind. The Ultra Intense Judge. The Economic Point Man. Last, the Familiar Veteran Hungry for a Great Nation Again.

Who are all these people? I have no clue, but I bet Colin Powell can find them. If we open up the popular vote to ALL qualified people, I have the confidence America will find the right one to rally behind.

You see, everybody is too angry and emotionally invested to vote sensibly right now with our team losing so bad. Plus, the candidates suck. So, let’s give Powell a shot to rebuild and vote four years from now when we all have flying hydrogen fuel cell cars.

It makes sense because I said so.

But don’t take my word for it…

Bush Administration Learned Lesson

Facing an unparalleled political crisis in Zimbabwe, the Bush Administration has refused to intervene directly in the struggling nation’s internal affairs. Instead, President Bush has directed his administration to take the issue to the United Nations and to work towards an international resolution to the crisis. Asked to explain why the President is relying on the community of nations for strength as opposed to “cowboy diplomacy” and unilateral action, the smoking, smoking hot Dana Perino was atypically blunt.

“What the hell do you want, another fracking Iraq?” Perino said while shaking her smoking hot moneymaker, “I mean, have you all been paying attention for the last five years? We really frelled that up bad, and we have no intention of repeating that mistake. Also, I don’t think that there’s any oil there, so what would be the point? Not that we bothered to take any oil out of Iraq, I mean, $4.00 and up for gaswhen we took over a camel jockey country full of oil, what the frack is that about?”

President Bush explained the reasons for the change of course after a secret meeting with a Republican presidential candidate who refused to be named. “There are two reasons that we’ve decided not to take direct, unilateral action to ensure that the people of Zimbabwe can have a fair election and breathe the sweet, sweet air of the Religious Right’s form of freedom. One is that the country has no oil and I could really care less about it. Two, the country isn’t buying my lies about 9/11 anymore, so it’s hard to get people to get behind what I’m doing. Third, without Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz backing up Cheney’s arguments, I’ve realized that the guy’s kind of a nut. Fourth, I’m kind of bored with being President. I don’t want to get myself involved with something difficult for the rest of my term. I plan on spending a lot of time at Crawfordand the last thing that I need is a war in some Aferka country (is that how it’s pronounced?) keeping me from doing my ranch work. What, that’s four things, not two? So what, I’m out in a few months, frack all of you media types.”

While many are pleased with the abrupt change of course in Bush’s international strategy, most people doubt that this will do anything to alleviate Zimbabwe’s problems. “Look,” commented Sen. Joe Biden (D-De), “It’s great that Bush is going to the U.N., but Zimbabwe has a lot more problems than just changing leadership. It is in a decades-long agricultural decline and inflationary crisis. You cannot fix this just by passing a resolution and putting in a new leader. You have to get international corporations and business leaders ready to go in and start farming there again. Then you have to set up aid programs to build schools, roads, and infrastructure. If you do those things, then you can start to fix Zimbabwe and get it on track. It could be the breadbasket of southern Africa if it could get its act together.”

The interviewer for this article was so impressed by Biden’s answer that he inquired as to why Biden did not get the Democratic nomination for President. “Good fracking question. It’s a bunch of malarkey if you ask me.”

Congress Passes Sponsorship Legislation

Washington — With overwhelming bi-partisan support, the United States Congress passed a bill today that will grant private firms the ability to sponsor government buildings. In the lead-up to the vote, corporate giants were lobbying for the chance to sponsor many of the nation’s most famous government landmarks. As of August 31st, the U.S. Capitol Building will be rechristened the Sprint-Nextel Capitol Building.

The bill was widely opposed by government watchdogs and consumer advocate groups who declared that the proposal amounted to “Congressmen laying down and letting corporate giants shit in their mouths, and the mouths of the American people.” However, these interest groups were far outmatched by a better financed and better connected corporate lobby.

“If anything, these so called watch guards of public integrity displayed the absolute failure of their radical, anti-American ideology when they could not secure even 40 votes to guard against passage in the Senate,” said Megacorp CEO Bill Lastings. “Americans have always held a special place in their heart for overt corporate propaganda. Look at Minute Maid Park in Houston, or the Winston Cup, or any of the hundred other ways corporations inject happiness into our lives every day. The opponents of this bill have been trying to pass a false history off on the American people, and in a victory for each and every man, woman, and child in this country, they were soundly defeated this week. I’m also pleased to announce that the Lincoln Memorial will soon be known as ‘Megacorp Presents the Lincoln Memorial.’ We’re even adding in digital screens that will run twenty four hours a day, and we’re retro-fitting the Lincoln statue with state of the art animatronics so that instead of just looking at a lifeless piece of stone, children can actually watch as Lincoln extols the virtues of the American ideal… and Megacorp Corporation.”

Not all sponsorship proposals have met with such quick acceptance. Porno giant Vivid Entertainment’s talks to sponsor the Washington Memorial have met with opposition from religious conservatives. “All we’re talking about is making obvious what we’ve all known for years: the Washington Monument is a massive dick sitting on the National Mall. Vivid is prepared to ensure the integrity of this structure for the foreseeable future by encasing it in a flesh-colored latex based shell that will accurately depict the male form. We’ve even got a robust head for the top which will shelter the monument from rogue airplanes,” said Bob Vinti, VP of Customer Outreach for Vivid.

When asked whether an enormous, anatomically accurate dildo placed on the National Mall was appropriate for Washington’s family friendly tourism, Vinti replied, “Hey, you show me a little boy or girl that doesn’t want to ride an elevator fifty stories up the shaft of a human penis, and I’ll show you a terrorist sympathizer.”

Congressmen claim the sponsorship proposal will save Americans as much as $500 million dollars in annual maintenance costs. “Ultimately, this is about the American worker, and allowing him to keep more of his hard earned money at home, rather than send it to sleazy Washington politicians who are only too happy to sell off his government piece by piece to faceless, and unaccountable corporations,” said Arizona Republican Rick Renzi, the bill’s author, “and, if I say so myself, that is a win-win for Washington and the American people.”