The prestigious American Film Institute recently undertook to determine, once and for all, the greatest film of all time. A debate has raged for decades as to whether any single film could be considered the greatest of all time due to the inherent differences from era to era. “I mean, while Birth of A Nation was groundbreaking, it’s hard to compare that to some recent action films like The Dark Knight or Watchmen. The technology is too different to make a valid comparison,” said the corpse of Orson Welles, “And how could you compare Unforgiven to Stagecoach? You can get darker and explore a great deal more today than you could then. It’s really a difficult task.”
The AFI, however, refused to be deterred and put together a select committee to determine the greatest film once and for all. After seven years of research, the Special Select Committee on Greatness announced earlier today that “Jawbreaker” starring Rose McGowan (OMG, she’s so hot!!!) is the greatest film ever made. In coming to its conclusion, the Committee took special note of the performance of Judy Greer as Fern Mayo which set the stage for her role as the bearded lady in My Name is Earl.
“And you can’t find a better moment of cinematic cumuppance than when Courtney, Rose McGowan’s character, gets named prom queen only to have her murder uncovered which causes everyone to suddenly hate her and start throwing things at her. And, man, when Julie, played by the sexy Rebecca Gayheart, takes the photos of her just like Courtney took the photos of Liz at the start of the movie? Brilliant.
“The fact that we never see her criminally prosecuted is the icing on the cake. Some say that the ending is horribly contrived and that most people wouldn’t believe the ‘confession,’ but those people just don’t comprehend greatness,” explained the Committee in a written statement.
When pressed for the real reason behind its decision, the Committee explained that the film helped launch McGowan’s career, which led to the greatest opening in movie history as seen below.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin (R-AK) surprised the world and announced that she would be resigning her position later this month, she was, unfortunately, fully clothed for the announcement — . Political commentators were stunned by the announcement, with many noting that her lack of experience and familiarity with key issues are not going to improve if she’s no longer governor. While many were trying to predict the political fallout of Ms. Palin’s move, others wondered what her exact reason for stepping down was.
In a rambling, seemingly pointless press conference that had the feel of a rural school board leader stepping down from a long time position, Ms. Palin gave several reasons for her decision, none of which made sense (does she actually think that the Governor of Alaska is a fucking point guard or something? WTF?). ROYTERS, however, has made up learned the real reason for her decision — Ms. Palin and her family will start a folk rock band performing live across the continental United States.
The band will be called “The Nailin Palins” and will feature puppet show performances by daughters Willow and Bristol (when they are not getting knocked up by David Letterman). The Nailin Palins will play a mix of music, but will rely heavily on Toby Keith and Reba McEntire arrangements until they can write their own songs. The band will start each set by burning effigies of the following persons:
Contributors to ROYTERS have gone on strike, angry about their workloads. “We will no longer work at a job that makes us do work on a daily basis. This is total fucking bullshit. We have private lives you fucking asswipes, get it through your thick fucking skulls!”
ROYTERS, desperate to fill the gap left by the disappearance of their contributors, have been left with no option but the nuclear one — ESPN writers will be hired. In order to explain the controversial decision, ROYTERS Chief Executive AngryMan said, “Look, we need content and we don’t have time to care about the quality of the reporting or whether stories are completely fabricated. As such, we decided to hire people from ESPN. I mean, shit, they’ve got like 800 people doing nothing but SportsCenter updates on ESPNRadio. It’ll be the perfect fit.”
Ann Coulter apologized today for being “such an ignorant bitch.” Appearing on The Charlie Rose Show, Ms. Coulter was confronted with several of her past statements and, in an almost surreal moment of clarity, realized that she is “just some idiot that people give air time on the mistaken belief that I’m attractive.” Ms. Coulter went on to say, “Have you even looked at my body? I’m a freaking Olive Oil with an Adam’s apple.”
Charlie Rose, who was completely flabbergasted by the impromptu confessional, said later on in the show that it was too bad Michael Jackson died as Ms. Coulter’s admission would not get any press coverage. “It’ll be kind of like Jackson’s child molestation charges and general creepiness, totally overlooked.”
A lot of people are wondering how the economy got in such a mess. People are also wondering who is to blame for this mess. I spent the better part of the day researching this issue and have the answer. Think about it carefully for a minute. The financial institutions are collapsing. The financial institutions go to the government FINANCE committee for money. This whole mess has to do with lending practices.
What is the common thread among these things? Jews. Financial institutions are run by Jews, the government Finance Committee is run by a Jew, and Jews make loans. Therefore, this is all the fault of the Jews.
A lot of you probably disagree with me. You people probably say that my conclusions are spotty and that my reasoning is completely nonsensical. I must say that I cannot totally disagree with those statements. However, I would like to point out the following. I did research this issue. I talked with all the experts. Mel Gibson, Eric Cartman, Lou Dobbs, these twins from Brazil, and they all said the same thing. Are you telling me that these notorious racists are wrong? I doubt it. These people say things a lot, and if they say things a lot, those things become true.
Think about it.
Please, for the love of God, think about it. If not, you end up with idiots like me pointing figures instead of solving the problem.
The Bailout did not pass!
What did Malach tell you? He outlined his bail-out plan at ROYTERS but did all those jerks in Congress and the White House didn’t listen? Read it, it was a foolproof plan! Call your Congressman, there might still be some time!
So now, Malach brings you the end of the world as you know it, but I feel fine. Before the internet goes off the air, read this. Before they fire up that Death Machine the Large Haldron Collider, read this. It is Mad Max time, and Malach, who has seen all the movies and watches all the survival shows, he has a plan.
First, get some guns, use the last of your money to buy an arsenal, and make sure you overstock the bullets, cause a few years from now you gonna wish you had more bullets. Next armor, make you own from leather biker outfits and football equipment. Go here, and print out everthing you would need to know about emergency and first aid. Finally soup up a car and mount weapons on it, your gonna do a lot of travelling.
You will want to avoid cities, and head for Wal-Mart first, they got all your supplies. Keep a large supply of water purifiers, canteen, jerky and such. THUNDERDOME IS COMING! Be prepared, you might have to eat you family, surprise them when they sleep, they will never no what hit them. NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC! Money will mean nothing once the world goes to shit, but now it will mean everything. Don’t pay any bills, a year from now it won’t matter.
Now if you are one of those religions types, you reveling in your glory. “See it was in the Bible”, finally after 2000 years, it finally relates to the text for onces, but you be dead rotting in the ground, walk Malach will be stalking the countryside, finding happiness in the flowers of the fields and he blows away some mutant with a sawed off shotgun.
Now is the time to learn magic . . . someone out there knows all the secrets, beat it out of them! That old man down the street, he is a rich wizard, get him before he gets you. Soon R’yleh will rise, and our souls will be devoured!
John McCain spent most of last night’s debate being extremely negative towards his opponent, Barack Obama. But McCain wasn’t being mean just to score cheap political points (which is an odd change from his campaign tactics so far). Obama was running late last night, and McCain didn’t like it. His anger got the better of him, and his legendary temper finally made an appearance. Visibly frustrated with the delay, Jim Lehrer apologized to Sen. McCain for the holdup in an attempt to calm him down and placate the grumpy, old man who was up past his bed time. McCain put on his typical smarmy smile and responded, “What can you expect from a guy who runs on n—– time?” He chuckled a little and said it again “N—–! You know, you’re not supposed to that, Jim, that’s why it’s so funny!” Lehrer shook his head in shame and muttered, “I can’t believe people are thinking about voting for this guy.”
With Dubya poised to bail out poorly run companies to save the US economy (sounds like Dubya’s previosu business life), Malach busted out his massive brain and has a better solution. Bail my ass out. You want to prevent a long term recession (what Hell has been going on the past 4 – 5 years anyway?)? What is our piss poor economy effecting the Upper half now? So now we need to do something about it?
Malach has a better plan, BEHOLD THE POWER OF MALACH . . . what would it take to bail out Malach? About $265K. That is much less that $700billion Dubya plans on spending. So that got Malach thinking. Instead of bailing out these companies why not bail out every American? There is an estimate 304Million Americans. 25% of those Americans are under 18 that leaves 228million Americans. Give each of them $250K, that comes out to $57trillion. What would happen then? Let see, the wife and I would both get $250K, we would pay off our debt, invest a large part of it, and maybe by some investment property, and of course go on a shopping spree: right back into the system. Most Americans would pay off their mortgages or BUY HOMES (wow, that would solve another problem), pay off their debt and then go on a spending spree. How much money would be put right back into the economy? If I had no debt (I don’t use credit cards, my debt basically consist of a car loan, a mortgage, and a school loan), I would be pumping money into the economy like Gary Glitter pumps his man juice . . . well you know where I am going here.
So where we gonna get this all this money? Well the government deals with pretend money they don’t have anyway. Hell, if the bail out is costing $700billion, and the Iraq War has cost us $600billion, you see where I am going here? Again that money would be tossed right back into the economy . . . Hey if were are going to practice socialist capitalism, lets go all the way. How about Universal Health Care?
Oh and John McCain. Suspending your Presidential Campaign? You do realize the President has to multi-task right?
So Malach is here outside the Capital Building trying to get in there to testify about his plan, but I keep getting stopped by guys in suits. Every so often a Congreeman goes buy and I get little words for conversation like “Thunderdome” and “Master Blaster”. I’m scared, and now I have to wait until Spring to be destroyed by the Large Haldron Collider . .
Murk and Malach have returned with Episode 20 of the Murk and Malach Show podcast. It is like having ROYTERS right on your PC speakers. Episode 20 is entitled A Murk and Malach MidSummer’s Night Dream.
In this show, Murk and Malach discuss the Olympics, Politics, Movies, Homosexuality, Racism, and Cheap Wine, all hallmarks of the ROYTERS News Service. We also return our interviews, with a special interview with a veteran of the War in Iraq, and Liberal Moon Bat, the Angry Veteran. Direct link to the mp3 is here.
Murk and Malach are seeking fellow ROYTER’S contributors and fans for future shows, you just need a SKYPE connection a mike, and a personality. Interested contact Malach.
. Political commentators were stunned by the announcement, with many noting that her lack of experience and familiarity with key issues are not going to improve if she’s no longer governor. While many were trying to predict the 